Rachel's Hand-Me-Downs

Well, I finally did it...  I brought Rachel's stuff down out of her room and moved it into her hope chest.  There are a few things hanging on the wall up there still, but that's it.  It was really hard.  I did a lot of crying as I read through the hundreds of cards I have, notes that people left at her grave for me in the early days, hospital discharge papers, the stethoscope that listened for her last heart beat and all her cute little clothes that still smell like her, some with her blood stains on them.

It was hard.  It was painful.  And yet, as I sat there reading through the book from the funeral and remembering how I obsessed over it that night after she was buried; filling it in like it was her baby book that she would some day get to read - even through my tears, I was filled with joy.  I was filled with gratitude.  At the same time I was thinking "I can't believe I've been through something so horribly painful, did this really happen to me??" I was also thinking "I cannot believe how amazing this journey has been, all the love that I had for her, how faithful my God is, how He carried me so that I could do all I did for her and have no regrets, how I could walk so strong when I felt so scared and weak because He was with me,  how loved I was by His people and my family, how many people from all over the states and world knew about her and were affected by her life and death."

I packed her stuff away, knowing it won't be the last time I hug her clothes, smell them and cry.... and okay with that and all the pain that comes with it.  She was worth it all.  But oh how my heart just aches to hear it isn't true....that it was all a bad dream.... I can't believe I can love someone I barely knew so much - and yet it gives me such an insight to the unbelievable bond that God puts between a mother and her child while in the womb.  I miss her chubby hands and cute little feet :o(  I'd give anything to hold her again.

I came across a blanket, a angel teddy bear blanket, a couple of diapers and t-shirts that were Rachel's that she didn't use (my mom bought them for her), but they were hers and were at the hospital with us.  The whole set is white and I felt really strongly that Asa should have them.  I didn't think he'd be able to wear any of her stuff since it was all girly, but I forgot about these.  We used pink cloth diapers on Rachel, but I brought home the disposable ones that were in the OR with us anyway and I've decided that these are the first things Asa will wear and touch - from his big sister.

I know most people think it will bring more pain to include Rachel in these things, but it's actually quite the opposite for me, it brings me comfort to bring her with me into the future instead of having to leave her behind.  And I'm sure Asa doesn't mind at all.  Actually, I think he'd be proud to include Rachel.  Here's his birthday oufit :o)  I'm getting excited to meet this little boy - his personality is showing as he rolls around in my belly (well, he's too big to roll anymore, but boy, does he move a lot!!)  He's a sweet boy...