Saturday, September 10, 2011

Moment #2: The Coffee Shop

Saturday was the 3rd, which meant Rachel would have been 9 months old.  I felt the day coming, if that makes any sense, even though we were busy and having fun.  On Friday night, we went into Camden to watch the fireworks for their annual Windjammers Festival.  This is the first year we've attempted to make it because having the kids out late is hard.  But they are better ages for it this year and so we tried it. 

I was exhausted and feeling way too drained to be walking around town at 9pm, so we found a coffee shop and bought a fancy Latte, whipped cream and all, (partly so I could use a bathroom without walking to the public one at the landing way down the hill!).  We were sitting in what we were told was the "best seat in the house" which was a window seat, where the window was open screen from the ceiling to the floor.  This was going to allow us to watch them from inside, while sitting, and have all the effects of being outside.  Sounded perfect.

There was a couple sitting next to us with a young boy in a highchair.  I said hi to him and jokingly asked him if it was passed his bedtime and he smiled, showing off his cute front teeth... obviously still too young to know what I was talking about - or so I thought.  His actual age never really crossed my mind.

Matt came over and asked "how old is your little guy?"
"8 months" she said...  my heart sank.
"Oh really?" Matt replied.
"Yeah, it's a good age" she said with a big smile as she passed him another Cheerio.
I felt the lump in my throat start to slow my breathing and quickly shifted my eyes out the window to hide my pain.

Rachel would have been 8 months too - 9 months that next day.  I hadn't realized she would be that big.  I still picture her as little.  I wanted to tell them about her... to tell them she is the same tell them how much fun she is and all the joy she brings.  But I couldn't.  I couldn't speak a sound.
I started crying in front of everybody.  Matt put his hand on my back and the tears flowed harder.

This was only the 2nd Friday I had missed visiting the cemetery since she was buried.  The 1st was because we went to Florida in April.  I have been there every single week.  Being so far away from where her body lay on a Friday, at a celebration with another baby who is at a "good age", the day before her 9 month birthday was more than this Mama could handle. 

We left and watched some of the fireworks from the van as we drove away.... the kids were fine with it, they wanted to be in bed anyway.  But my heart knew there was more to it than that.  And way more we were missing than some pretty lights in the sky.

1 comment:

  1. Awww Stacey. I wish I could take some of your pain away. It is such a long, hard road to walk and can feel so lonely at so many points in the journey. Know that I still pray for you constantly. I would LOVE to catch up on the phone soon and maybe even come see you and get coffee some day soon!


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