Afflictions eclipsed by Glory

I remember years ago, sitting in my counselor, Tammy's office when I was in rehab as she explained to me why trees are able to make it though the change in seasons - including the cold, harsh winter - and bloom again when the spring returns.  She said they bend and move with the wind, let their leaves fall and adapt to the season at hand.  She was telling me this to encourage me to let God work through my difficult season and to not be afraid of it.

I was there for 7 months and I spent the last 6 working as part of the "maintenance team" - and that meant during our down time, when I wasn't busy smoking (gross!),  I did lots of woodworking in the garage.  I made Tammy a big tree to hang on the wall, because of how significant that analogy was to me then, and carved in the middle "Fear knocked, Faith answered, No one was there" - In other words, fear and faith don't exist together. 

So, ironically enough, back when we did the cardboard testimonies (mine had to do with where my addictions had led me), the song they put on the video was "How He love us" - since then, the song reminds me to a deeper degree of the pit that God lifted me out of.

Sunday at church, we sang this song, which always makes me bawl - and I heard it differently than in the past.  In the first verse it says "He is jealous for me" - that means God wants nothing else to come before Him in my heart... "Loves like a Hurricane" - that's pretty serious, and doesn't let anything get in it's way... Here's the big one "I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy" - wow... my mind went right back to that day in Tammy's office.  I started to think about how He rescued me from myself back then, even though I was so hardened to Him and so far away from Him, and would be for a few more years to come...And then I caught myself questioning Him... "Why did you bother?  Why did you rescue me from all that and then lead me to this?  What are you thinking? - have I not been through enough?"  I've mentioned before that I haven't struggled with feeling angry towards God for allowing this, but this was one of those few moments that I was mad about it - and it was intense.  There I stood, sobbing, almost feeling as if I had been mislead.  Like I had been given a false hope,  If that makes any sense...

So then came the second verse... "He is our prize...Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes" - I sat in church for MONTHS before I accepted Jesus, at first denying He was real and then crying because I didn't know what I was doing there... and then weeping week after week because I couldn't believe He could love me...after all I had done and the life I had lived...me - it made no sense.  His amazing grace and unending love had stolen my heart.

Now years later, I am in a place that is so painful.  If I could run from it, I would.  I thought at the beginning of all of this that I was really going to enjoy the time I have with my daughter and make the most out of it - and at times I feel guilty because I seem to have entered a stage of this where I'm just not enjoying it.  My heart is broken and with every kick and every bit of pregnancy pain, I am reminded that I am not going to have a baby at the end of this road.  It feels like it's all for nothing and although I am truly grateful for all the blessings that have come to others from her life and that will come in the future, it doesn't take any of my pain away.  It's here and it will be for a long time.  There is no "getting my mind off of it" by keeping myself busy. Trust me, I'm busy.  Everywhere I go and everything I do, there it is.  I still have joy, but my happiness is on hold.  And I'm okay with that, but I had to wonder "Why did He bother?  Why didn't he just leave me where I was - Why won't He stop this?"

And then came the last line in the third verse... "I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves me"...

All I have to do is go back to those first few months when I began to understand Who God was and how much He loved me - not because I had my life together and went to church wanting to know Him, but in spite of the fact that I was a mess and really wasn't interested in Jesus - and I can say without a doubt that I know that my God loves me. And because I know that, I can take comfort knowing that my afflictions will be eclipsed by His glory and that His sovereign plan is good.  Doesn't mean I like it and it doesn't mean that it makes me feel better right now, but I trust Him.