My big belly!
|This is my favorite|
|You can see all her fingers|
|The sonographer thought that my placenta and cord were showing on the side... I think her ears are folded over, which is a common feature in anencephalic babies.|
So, the big news is that I set a date for her birthday... December 3rd it is! That will put me at 37 weeks and a day. She will be considered full term and is able to donate her heart valves any time after 36 weeks, so now we're praying that she will meet the weight requirements. We would be so blessed to see up to 4 other babies live because of Rachel.
Let's see, how am I feeling about all this... well, I'm going with the flow. The flow of God's plan and not my own... trusting Him in spite of my fears. Letting go of my hopes for this pregnancy and my baby and holding on to my hope in Him.
Losing another baby was one of my fears...and it's coming true. A lot of fluid was one of my fears...and it has come true. An early delivery was one of my fears...and it's coming true. I have many fears about what all this will bring...most of which will come true. Yet, I am filled with peace. Filled with the hope of Jesus.
Do I still have specific things that I would like to see happen? Of course. I pray for them daily. I want my fluid levels to even out and stop building up and I want my back pain to stop. I want Rachel to come on the scheduled date and not have my water break early. I want to hold her alive. I want her to live long enough that I don't have to let her leave the hospital with a stranger. I want her to spend time in our home with us. I want to nurse her and I want to hear her cry and change a poopy diaper. I want to take 1500 photos of her for her scrapbook. I want for her to prove the Doctors wrong. I want to watch her grow and kiss her boo-boo's and tell her "no". I want to see her walk down the isle and marry a strong Christian man like her Daddy someday.
But if I get none of those things...I'm ok with it. Will I be devastated? Absolutely. Will it change how I view life in this world? Probably. This whole journey already has. Will it change how I view God? Not a chance. It is only by His grace that I have been blessed to spend even one minute carrying Rachel - and it is a blessing!...and only by His mercy and love that I will get through the pain of losing her - and it will be painful. None of it would have come to be without Him. I couldn't get through any of it without Him and I am thankful for it all. He allowed it, I trust His reasons - and I trust that He will carry me through it.
Being Rachel's Mama, has forever changed who I am. I would never give that up...not even for a promise of a pain-free life on earth where everything goes as I have planned. I've found so much blessing right in the middle of my heartache.
In 5 weeks and 1 day, (unless God has other plans!) we will meet our 4th child. Oh, how I wish she could stay with us.