From the Inside Out

No shower again today...my hair is probably much happier (hairdresser tip: don't shampoo every day!), although you'd never know it by how it looks right now.  School went really well with Desirae this morning and I had the house picked up and was feeling pretty on top of things - and next thing I know, the day is almost over, everything's a mess again, I'm still in my PJ's and I never got any of the things done that I needed to...well, that's not true, I managed to remember 2 phone calls I needed to make and get paperwork filled out for the Duke University Study.  Matt is out getting some groceries right now because I've literally only gone shopping 2 times since we found out about Rachel...that's in 10 weeks if you're trying to do the math.  If it wasn't for my family and our church family bringing us meals and picking stuff up for us, we'd be one hungry family!  We have been so blessed by the dinners you all have provided...I wouldn't be able to pull it together at that time of day to get dinner on the table, so you're probably really helping my marriage too! :o)  Matt is very grateful...and not only because he still gets his hot meal at the end of every day, but because he knows how greatly you're blessing me as well.

I'm not telling you all this stuff so you can worry about me or decide that I need help or something.  I'm actually writing all this more for the other Mamas who are walking this journey and need to hear that it's not easy for me either.  I find it very difficult to relate to people who don't struggle because... well, they are lying - and I don't like liars.  Life is hard.  People struggle.  It's the way it is, but most people don't like to admit it at risk of sounding like they don't have it all together.  So, I'll let you in on it...I don't have it all together.  I didn't before Rachel and I certainly don't now.  If you're glad that I just said that, I hope it is because you can relate and not because you're happy to hear it...but here's some more dirt for you...

I ignore most phone calls that come in and a lot of knocks at the door.  This is not because I want people to be more persistent and try harder to pull me out of my "depression" - it's because that's just how I feel right now.  I want to be alone and I have little energy so I can't be using it on the wrong things, including what other people think is good for me.  Today I actually pulled my shades and told the kids to stay away from the door when I saw the group of people dressed up get out of their car and start knocking on doors...I just don't have it in me.

I've been staying up WAY too late every night and usually eat ice cream too. (I've actually heard someone be criticized for that before!)  I'm sleeping ok, but always in a lot of pain (for some reason my back is killing me at night) and because of the nightly bathroom runs, and the fact that there is no bathroom upstairs, by the time I get back to bed my mind is going again and I don't get much sleep...  Let's see, last night it went something like this:

I came downstairs and noticed that the heat had clicked on, I thought "it must be getting cold out", then I thought "it would be good to have a separate thermostat on the 2nd floor so that all this heat doesn't get wasted down here", then I had a debate in my mind over that thought, because we all know that heat rises...so I wasn't quite sure if that made sense.  "Would it make more sense to keep the heat on only downstairs?" I wondered.  "or just put it on really low upstairs and not use it at all downstairs"... (good thing I can multi-task or I probably would have peed on myself with how distracted I was by this dilemma - as if I even have 2 thermostats!)  Then I thought "it's nice having a basement so we don't have to worry about pipes freezing like when we had the trailer"  Then I wondered why basements stay warm if they're not heated...and then I thought "hey, maybe it's not going to get as cold in the casket in the ground as I thought"

Now, before anyone gets the urge to write me and let me know that's not possible, I need to say that I already know it's not.  I also know that only women's minds think in such a complex, all over the map kind of way, so most men won't understand how the heck I got to that point all from the heat being on.  But the truth is that most women won't get it either cause I know it sounds crazy.  But no matter what I am doing or what I am thinking about, it ALWAYS comes back to Rachel.  There's no distraction big enough, no pill strong enough, no reasoning good enough to make this easy for me. God put this uncontrollable need to nurture babies in me because He made women that way.  How in the world do I reconcile that with putting her in the ground?  How am I not supposed to think about what it's like down there?  Again, before you fill me in on the facts...I know it's "pointless" to think about and not helpful...I know she's not going in the ground.  I know it's just her body...I know her soul is going to live on... Does that really make a mother feel better about putting her baby in a box in the ground?  I mean, think about it.  Oh, I know it should...and I wouldn't want to put her there without the knowledge of the truth of heaven, but does it really make it any easier...  My educated guess is no.  No, I don't think it does.  I'll let you know come January, but I doubt I'll be eating my words on this one.

So, now you know the truth - I hardly shower, cook or clean anymore...I eat past 8:00 every night because I want to, not because I'm hungry and I don't care if I gain weight...I don't get enough sleep and it's all my fault...I feel like being alone most of the time and although usually a talker, finding that I have less and less to say to most people...I think random and sometimes morbid thoughts and could easily cry at any moment.  Oh, and I even yell at my kids sometimes.

The gift that all this has brought about is that my perspective on a lot of things has changed.  I never thought there would be a time that I would not fret over keeping my house in tip top shape or what people would think about the dust bunnies on my stairs.  I never thought I would not worry about the number on the scale AT ALL at my prenatal visits...I have much more important things to think about at my visits. (technically we all do, but we all tend to forget how fragile life is and worry about vanity instead)  I have realized who my real friends are and have gained some new friendships that are straight from God.  I spend much more time with God in prayer and in His Word than I could when I was cooking, cleaning, showering, going places and talking on the phone more.  And for every time I fail my kids and have to ask forgiveness and they grant it, we're all learning more and more what it means to be a sinner in need of a savior - and how amazing His grace is. 

Some people would look at me and think I'm falling apart...  and honestly, I have my days, but it's worth the trade off for me.  God is taking from me the ability to keep up with the worries of this life and things that are temporal and in it's place, He's giving me something that can never be taken away.

So, if you're walking this journey carrying a baby with anencephaly, just know that it's ok if you don't have it all together.  It's ok to fall apart.  God will pick up the pieces and make you even more beautiful than you already are!  From the inside out.  

If you're watching someone you know or love walk this journey, try to walk beside them at their pace and not tell them what their pace "should" be, keeping in mind that God knows what each one of us needs.  Here is a link that is very helpful when it comes to supporting someone during this time. http://www.anencephalie-info.org/e/whattodo.php


But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9