Thursday, October 21, 2010

Double-Edged Swords

Did I say I wanted choices??  I must have been out of my mind.  I'm not a decisive person to begin with and now it seems like there's choices all over the place that I have to make that are all double-edged swords.  I can't win either way. 

Had my appointment yesterday at Maine Med to check my fluid and meet with the neonatologist. My appointment was at 10:00 and we didn't leave there until 3:30, minus a lunch run to subway.  It was an informative, yet very long day - and not all the information was information that I wanted to hear. 

First, we had an ultrasound...always my favorite part - Rachel is growing good and is ever so cute.  The bad news is that my fluid is building up at a very rapid pace.  It's over twice the amount it should be, but since my belly hasn't expanded that fast, it's being carried towards my back.  This would be the reason I didn't get any sleep the night before.  It's very painful.  By the time we got done with the ultrasound, I was in so much pain from laying down I was crying.  The nurse checked me to make sure I wasn't in labor, which I wasn't...thank God.  Having this much fluid makes me high risk for early labor, so we had to cancel our Florida trip, which was a huge bummer.  We were supposed to leave on Saturday :o(  I'm trusting that God's timing will be perfect and that the trip will be better for us in a few months from now. 

Our appt. with the neonatologist went well.  She cried with us a few times, especially after reading my birthplan.  She said that they do it like Burger King - we have it our way... Music to my ears! She did say a couple of things on our plan she wouldn't recommend, like giving her oxygen and a feeding tube.  We're going to pray about it and make sure we're comfortable with that.  They'll do it if we want them to, but it doesn't make a difference in the end result.  We will still try to nurse her and if that doesn't work, try giving her my milk with a dropper though.  These are those choices I'm talking about.  I hate every single one of them. 

 These are a few of the pictures that they gave us... Her toes are my favorite part.  I've always been a baby foot lover. :o)  I know as you look at these pictures, you're going to wonder how I feel looking at them, since she is obviously not "perfect"...  I'm going to be very honest.  It's extremely hard to look at my baby and see an imperfect body.  It's hard to have all my hopes and plans for her very obviously shattered.  I actually debated  putting them
on here in fear of what others might think of her.  But I am not ashamed of my daughter.  I am actually quite the opposite.  The fact that she is imperfect in body (aren't we all?)  only makes it that much more clear how beautiful her soul is.  I have a verse on my mirror in the bathroom that has been hanging there for years that says "Beauty should be that of the inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight" (1Peter 3:4)  To God, she is perfect.  To God, she is beautiful.  She has a gentle and quiet spirit.  She is of great worth
 in God's sight.  And she is of great worth in mine.  I've always wanted to love like God and this is the closest I've ever come and probably will ever come in my entire life.  I love her just as much as I love my other children.  I love her and would do anything for her.  She blesses my heart every day for just being her.  The painful part of this is that it is going to hurt just as much losing her as it would losing any of my children.  But I will never regret loving her without reservation.  I will never regret showing her off, just the same as I would with a child who was "perfect" in our eyesSo, here she is... my beautiful, perfect baby girl.  We are so looking forward to holding her in our arms and telling her how much we love her, how much God loves her and how
we'll miss her.  We pray we'll get lots of time with her so that we can tell her all the things we want to tell her.  No matter how much time we get, it will never be enough to show her how much we love her, but we sure will try.  Because of the amount of pain I'm in and the fact that my body might not hold out till the end of December, we've decided to meet her around 37 weeks, which is considered full term.  We are praying about what day will be best and will let you know when we decide.  It's a very hard decision.  Looking at the calendar yesterday, I kept coming up with a day that sounded like a good birthday, but then realizing it will probably be the same day we say goodbye.  Not an easy choice.  Another double edged sword.  This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  But I'd do it all over again.


  1. I think Rachel looks absolutely beautiful in her pictures! I am dealing with the same thing right now. My fluid levels are rising very quickly and we are looking at having to deliver earlier than we first thought. It is very bittersweet. I can't wait to meet Ella and to be able to breathe again! But meeting her also means saying goodbye. I am praying for you as Rachel's due date approaches!

  2. Harlee sent me your blog and I have been reading it often. It is AMAZING how much your feelings directly correspond to mine after losing Sawyer at just 9 days old. Granted our stories are different (I did not know that Sawyer would die), but our end result is the same. I felt compelled to write after reading this entry because of the very last sentence: "I'd do it all over again!" I can tell you, from somebody who has come out on the other end, I too would do it all over again. If somebody told me that a baby I was carrying was going to die in my arms in 9 short days, I'D DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN!!! No doubt in my mind. What my son brought to my life, and continues to bring to this day, is awinspiring!!! Keep your outlook as it is. Even when Rachel is gone, it will amaze you at how present she will feel. My son walks with me every day and I am a better mother, friend, daughter and wife because of it!!!

    Stay strong and keep inspiring people!!! Endless Hope...

  3. Stacy, THANK YOU for being vulnerable enough to share your little girl's u/s pics! She is just so cute, and precious!!

    What an amazing life she has already had so far!! She has already changed so many people's lives from the womb! I wonder what her crown in heaven looks like!! It must already be filled with LOTS of super colorful jewels!!!!

    sister in Christ


  4. And she is of great worth in her Nanas eyes. So is her mom.

  5. Baby Rachel is very cute...
    Auntie Lolo from Germany

  6. Stacy
    she is beautiful, I see some little chub on her arms:) Her sweet face is too precious!! I'm so glad you met with a dr who was warm and compassionate. Rachel and her Mama look beautiful!!
    All my love

  7. Stacy,
    Thank you so much for sharing your pictures of Rachel. She is so beautiful. All I could do is cry as I read this. I know all of those feeling that you are felling because I felt them too. You are not alone. It is such a hard road to walk.It really is bittersweet. I will continue to pray that your fluid levels don't make you go into labor. I also could not agree more about doing it all over again. I do not regret for one second the decision that I made. Cayden changed my family forever, as will Rachel. You are a better, stronger person and mother for carrying and loving her. If we could only reach out to all of the other woman out there who don't agree. Just know although we have not met, I think of you all everyday and pray for you.
    Much love,

  8. Rachel is adorable! I love her little chubby arms and feet.
    When my fluid levels got really high I found relief with recliners and going swimming. I was in NC in the summer, so swimming made more sense than it does in NH in the fall, but if you have access to an indoor pool, it helped take pressure off of my back and sides. As for the chair, I surrounded myself with pillows and tried to lay at angles so I could relieve one part of my body at a time, and then I would switch. I am sure you have it worse though, Rose was 2lbs 2 oz and only 14 inches long. Rachel looks a lot bigger. Good for her!

  9. Psalm 139:14-16
    14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

    15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

    16 You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
    Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed.

    Rachel is absolutely stunning and beautiful. As hard as this road is she is exactly as He wanted her. I'm so proud of you and your strength. I will be praying for the rest of your pregnancy you will have time to cherish her and store beautiful memories away.


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes