Naptime Turned Chocolate

I had an appointment this morning and by the time I got home, I was so tired, I could hardly move.  Kelly usually watches the boys on Fridays for me while I bring Des to art class, but today she offered to take her for me and bring Isaiah so I could nap while Sam was.  I shut the door behind them and waved goodbye, thinking about how good bed was going to feel and headed up the stairs.  I got to the top and the phone started ringing.  I have gotten pretty good at ignoring the phone, but I decided to go see who it was...mistake #1. 

It was the organ bank calling back.  Yesterday when I spoke to them, they gave me the rundown of how it all worked and it included the morgue.  I had told them that if I was going to donate any of Rachel's parts, she would not be allowed to go to the morgue as part of the process.  It is already an absolute in my birth plan that my daughter is at no time to be brought to the morgue and put in a freezer.  Can't handle that. So this was the call that would answer that and I couldn't not pick up.  So I did...mistake #2.

It was "good" news... they said that they would be honored to work with me in whatever way necessary.  We talked about what would be possible donations from Rachel and what wouldn't - and it looks like the main thing we're going to try for is her heart valves.  "Ok, I can handle this" I thought.  They kept referring to her donation as a "gift" which made me happy to think of the babies lives her heart valves could save.  She told me that there is a huge need for infant heart valves and that they are usually immediately used as soon as they are ready for donation.  She told me they'd need to take her whole heart "Ok, it would only go into the ground anyway" I told myself.  And then she said that I could donate her heart to research after they remove the valves..."or what, throw it away?" I wondered.  I said from the beginning of this that I didn't want my daughter to be a science experiment... She explained how big her incision would be - from her collar bone to her ribs. "ok, they can cover that and put a onesie back on her so I don't have to look at it"   She went on to tell me about the weight requirements for donation and the gestational age she must make it to  - and then started to talk about how they will accept a lower weight since part of the weight that would normally be included, will be absent.  Then she explained that if Rachel was any smaller than this required weight, her valves would be too small to work with and they'd have a hard time implanting them... and that's when I wanted to puke.  "She is so tiny, so innocent, and... so on her way to heaven that I can hardly take it.  Her heart is strong and healthy and I'm already talking about donating it for research."  As I'm having this conversation, I can feel her dancing in my womb.  I am positive that I want to do this, but it's yet another hard thing for my heart to bear.

She said "I am just so in awe of the fact that you are so together (she had no idea that I was bawling and sick to my stomach) and that you are even able to make this phone call or be thinking of helping someone else right now.  It really is a testimony to how strong you are."

At that moment, I let her in on the fact that I was sobbing and told her through my tears "It's actually a testimony to how strong God is"

I tried to go lay down after we hung up, but I couldn't stop crying.  I laid there for a while until I came to the realization that it just wasn't going to happen... so I got up and drank a cup of coffee and ate a few pieces of chocolate to get me through the afternoon.  Not a bad trade in my book - and so much quicker than a nap.