Friday, October 29, 2010

The top of the rollercoaster

Yesterday morning my phone rang at 6:30am... although my first thought was something was wrong, my back hurt too bad to move.  At 9:00 when my phone rang again, I remembered the phone call I ignored from earlier and got nervous someone died. (I know this sounds extreme, but just look at the last few months of my life...)  It was my sister calling...

"Do you know you're on the front page of the paper?"  she asked.  Apparently she was working the overnight shift at the assisted living facility that she works at and was handing one of her clients her morning paper and there was our family on the front of it.  She had just been telling the woman about us when she made the discovery and she said "that's my sister!"  At which point she starting calling people at 6am, thinking that just cause she had been up all night meant we wanted to be too.  But, hey, she was excited.

My first response was "And it's not for selling drugs!"  in case this has you tilting your head in confusion...  10 years ago I was seriously addicted to drugs & alcohol and got arrested for selling drugs.  My mother showed up at my house at 7am (apparently where my sister gets her patience from) with the paper and on the front page it read: "Gonic woman faces 87 years in prison and a million dollars in fines" Yeah, my family was proud.  I was a disgrace to myself, my family and to God, although I didn't know Him at that point in my life.  So, obviously this response was slightly sarcastic, but in a hard-to-explain kind of way, I was serious.  My next statement was "please tell me that whatever he used for quotes glorifies God" - Her reply? "Stacy, I don't think anyone could quote anything on your blog that doesn't make it very obvious that you're a Christian"...

This is my entire purpose in life.  I NEVER want to have anyone spend time with me, in person or on my blog, and not be completely certain that I am in love with Jesus.  I NEVER want to be able to blend in with this world.   I'm not ashamed to tell people where I've come from because I believe that it makes the love of God all that more apparent.  I am not afraid to show my weaknesses because I believe that shows the strength of God.  My only fear is that I will do or say something that brings shame to the name of the Lord or that would turn people away from wanting to know   Him themselves, since I know how much better my life is with Him in it, I obviously want that gift, and the gift of eternity,  for everyone I know too.

I had no idea this was coming...My cousin Aaron, Uncle Dale's son, contacted the paper to get the info for the benefit put in and the reporter was interested in the story.  My mom had emailed me a letter from a reporter a couple weeks back who wanted to talk with me and I never responded.  I got another email last week saying that he wanted a hi-res photo and that he could connect with me through email or just get info off my blog if that was easier.  This was the day that we canceled our trip to Florida, and honestly, I just didn't want to deal with it.  So, I sent a quick email saying I didn't know how to get a hi-res photo, I could talk to him on Monday and that he was welcome to use info from my blog if he wanted.  I never heard anything back, so I just figured it wasn't going to happen.  Monday came and email and I didn't really care.

I was on my way out the door to bring Isaiah to pre-school when Meg called me, so after I dropped him off, I stopped at the store to get a paper.  I walked in and my huge belly brought on the usual "Ah, when are you due?"  I said on Christmas day as I put the paper on the counter and she asked "Is that you?"  Yep.  that's my family... She said "I'll have to read it" and grabbed a copy to read as I left.  I sat in the van outside totally blown away.  I was crying as I was reading the article to Desirae and I watched person after person leave the store with a paper in their hands, very clearly with our picture on it!  It was like a slow motion scene in a movie... like every single person that came out had bought a paper.  A paper that I had no idea was going to article that I had no part article that got the name of Jesus on the front page multiple times - on multiple papers!!   I came home I cried on and off all day in awe of what God had done.  I looked on the blog and by 9:30am, there had been over 380 people who viewed it. By the end of the day, there was over a thousand views.  People everywhere were listening to "Sing to the King"!   I have gotten emails and comments and facebook friend requests from lots of people I don't know, all touched by Rachel's story, and I pray they were also in awe of how the Lord is carrying us through this.

Minutes after we found out about Rachel, Matt & I made a very clear decision that we were going to honor God and let His name be glorified through our daughter, no matter how painful it may be.  My prayer is that I have done that and will continue to do that.  My hope is that the people who read this blog will walk away with a better understanding of how awesome our God is.  I did not start the blog to bring attention to was to bring attention to our Lord.  I am not excited about the fact that WE are in the paper...I'm a thrilled with the fact that Jesus is! 

It is not very often that Jesus will be mentioned in the newspaper - never mind the front page, unless of course someone who claims to follow God does something horrible and then they are all over it.  But the fact that our baby girl and our journey through anencephaly gives glory to God's name on the front page of multiple papers, is yet another accomplishment that she has made in her short little life. 

I so wish I would have time with her to tell her all the amazing things that God has done through her.  I wish she could understand how special she is.  I wish she knew how meaningful her life has been.  I pray that when she gets to heaven and meets Jesus face to face, and He says "well done, my good and faithful servant" that she will fully know what He means.  I hope she knows how proud we are to be her parents and how we are not disappointed with who she is.  These amazing gifts would not have come if she was a healthy baby who was going to live.  I want her to know that she is perfect in our eyes, and in the eyes of God, just the way she is.  I want her to know that she changed the world.

I would never say that I wouldn't change this if I could, cause that would be a lie.  I would have never chosen this path, but I am so thankful to be part of it.  I am so humbled again and again that God is allowing me the opportunity of being this precious baby's mother.  I don't want to do this...not one bit.  It's so painful and it's scary.  I am a human with a mother's heart and that makes this the worst thing I could ever have to endure...but she is worth ever bit of it.

This was definitely a high point on the rollercoaster we're on.  I am so thankful for these times.  Times when we can clearly see our purpose in this pain.
Here's the link to the article:


  1. Stacy, I wanted to let you know that your love for Jesus is amazing. I am a mom of four and you gave me new inspiration to what mothering is all about. I am apart of a group you may have heard of called MOPS. I few of the other mom's have read your blog as well (how I learnt of your precious Rachel) I was hoping that I could post your link to our blog so other moms can read about your story too. Thank you and God bless, you, your family, and the beauitful life in side you God has given you. Jodi

  2. Like I said before you are absolutely amazing!! I read your post everyday and I too have a new view of motherhood, and raising my girls. I am thankful EVERYDAY that they are who they are. even the days that they are annoying, rude, mouthy, I just smile and thank God he has allowed me to have them. Thank you for helping me find the joy in parenting again, I think I lost it for a while somewhere in the busy-ness of our lives. Thank you for sharing your beautiful little girl with all of us, I don't think anyone could question where your heart is!

  3. Stacy, I recently heard what your dealing with and I just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear what your going through.
    I just want you to know my prayers are with you and your family.
    I also just want to say thank you for a lot of things like making me the man I am today. I learned a lot from you and your family! All which will not be forgotten! Be strong for your family and hold each other close and again we pray for you and your family.

  4. I think you are very courageous, because you go in the public with your vulnerability and your baby Rachel.
    Thank you for sharing.
    Valentina´s Auntie Lolo from Berlin, Germany

  5. wow, this is before I knew you, I've read the paper article but not this post. I never knew you didn't have anything to do with it. this is pretty amazing stacy! Love you, love Rachel <3 our God is an awesomeGod!

    1. Seeing this comment come through, I just re-read this post and the article... and am again brought to tears by how amazing God is and the unbelievable things that happened along this journey. I have a hard time remembering some of this and am so thankful I have a record of it on this blog because every time I read it again, I am again strengthened in my faith and trust that God is in every detail. wow. but yeah, so emotional.... thanks for reading and commenting!!


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Thank you! ♥ The Aubes