Flower Bulb Information

I had to change the end date of Rachel's Bulb Fundraiser because I realized that it takes them 30 days to send the proceeds and we wouldn't have it in time to build her Ark.  The new end date is March 31st.  Don't forget to order soon! Order Here

I have received a couple of questions that I wanted to pass along answers to, in case you've wondered too.

They ship the bulbs at the proper time for planting according to your time zone because bulbs are sensitive to temperature, even in shipping.  They guarantee all products so if you get anything and aren't happy, call them... I have also discovered that they have really good customer service.  Not all of their products are on the fundraiser.  You must shop from the list on the fundraising page I gave in the link.  The ones available on that list are only things that are meant to be planted in the spring... so that you can enjoy them this season. (they have a different list for the Fall fundraisers) 

One last thing...  I have a theory on all this snow...  it IS God's answer to my prayer for an early spring!  I think that God is giving us tons of snow so that when we have a sunny,dry, beautiful (early) spring and summer, the ground will have all the water it needs to make these flowers bloom beautifully!

His Kindness Leads me to Repentance...Again

Yesterday I was explaining to my friend Harlee that I am "unfortunately at the wrong place in my daily devotional"  - if you're not laughing yet... you might be at the end of this...  I mean, seriously, how often does God have me in the "wrong" place in anything??

Let me try to recap... I got this devotional book (1 year book of Hope) while pregnant, started it, didn't get far, pick it up here and there, the last time I picked it up, it was exactly what I needed to hear (I believe on God being close to the broken hearted)

The title of the week I'm on is "Jesus, Man of Sorrow"  I told Harlee; this would have been better for me to be reading in the first couple of weeks after Rachel was born.  Week 10 (where I "should" be) is on the Sovereignty of God..."doesn't that fit better for me right now?" I reasoned...

I reluctantly followed the chapters in order... and did the work through it, still convinced it didn't apply...until I got to the last line:

"Petition God to fill you with His Spirit so that you can forgive those who abandoned you in your time of sorrow and suffering"

I wouldn't have been ready to do that in week 2.  It talked about how even Jesus was abandoned in His suffering.  His closest friends let Him down and denied Him.  He was alone.  I related so much to this aspect of His suffering - loneliness in grief.  Nobody else could do it for Him; God chose Him.  I spent some time over the night praying about that... there aren't many people who abandoned me, but there are some.  Some physically, some emotionally, some actually adding more stress and pain...  People who "should have" been here; weren't.  People who "should have" supported and loved us; didn't.  People who "should have" respected our needs and allowed us space to grieve; refused.  I had to admit that these things broke my heart.  I had to admit that I felt lonely and abandoned... I have to admit that I still do.

Would I have done things differently?  Yes.
Am I hurt? Yes.
Do I need to forgive? Yes.
What does that look like?  Not a clue.

Okay, so now I'm seeing that maybe I'm exactly where I need to be in the book... but wait, it gets better.

Next Page: The Father Heart of God. (this is where I found myself this morning)
This gets a little hard... it's talking about how our images of fatherhood are shaped by our "imperfect earthly fathers"  Sigh.  It asks the question "In the pain you face today, do you wonder if your heavenly Father will be tender towards you?  Does He care? Will you find love or just a lecture? Acceptance or rejection?"

The part that stuck out to me was "love or a lecture" - I know that God receives me with love...  I can see how some of the pain in my sorrow was caused by expecting that from others...but when I read this, I actually heard it the other way around.  "Do I receive people with love or a lecture?"  I know what I want to do...I know my flesh fails.

Now I'm not only sure I'm where I "should" be in this book, but I'm feeling pretty convicted.  Funny thing is that I didn't want to skip ahead anymore.  I wanted to hear what God was telling me... and so I kept going.

And then it says:  "The angels joyfully and quickly obey.  If we pray as Jesus taught us, we are offering ourselves as obedient servants in a Kingdom where the will of God is done with great joy and without hesitation, just as it is in heaven."

My mind drifted to what life is like for Rachel right now... it sounds amazing.  joyfully and quickly obeying her Father without hesitation....the blessing that must come to her heart with that.

Why do I stall?  Why do I fight it?  What do I think it's going to benefit me to be out of the will of God?  And so, I start to talk to God about this...  "What do I do with this conviction, Lord?" 

This would be like America's "how are you?" question... I asked it, but didn't really want to know the answer...

He said: Joyfully and quickly obey, love like I do, forgive.

You've got to be kidding me...I got on the phone...  "Emily, what does it mean to forgive?"  I know, I should know this right?  I should, because I'm a Christian and that's what Christians do... we forgive.  I am very grateful for my amazing friends who help me outwardly process things and don't judge me or lecture me.  My big question:  "Does forgiving mean you enter back into a relationship with them?"  I admitted that while most of the time I felt peace about letting go of unhealthy relationships, I wondered if that is really okay with God or I'm just telling myself that cause it's the answer I want...

The answer?  Not sure.
The conclusion?  I am going to pray for each specific relationship and hurt and be willing to do what God wants me to... joyfully, quickly, without hesitation. That may involve mending a relationship, it might not.  I don't believe that's required to forgive.  But I do know for sure that God will show me eventually and when He does, He will heal my heart from the hurts and give me peace.
The best part?  God is happy with that. 

The next page is titled "A Father's Joy" and it says:
And while he was still a long way off, His Father saw him and filled with love and compassion, He ran to his son, embraced him and kissed him (Luke 15:20)

I don't have to be "there" in order to please God; just running in His direction with a repentant heart. 

So here I am, Lord... all of me.

Divine Romance

Time is a strange thing...last week 9 weeks felt like a long time, and this week 10 weeks feels like no time at all.  On the way to visit Rachel today, I heard a song that I wanted to share...It's called Divine Romance... I miss my girl.

The fullness of Your grace is here with me

The richness of Your beauty’s all I see

The brightness of Your glory has arrived

In Your presence God, I’m completely satisfied

For You I sing I dance

Rejoice in this divine romance

Lift my heart and my hands

To show my love, to show my love

A deep deep flood, an Ocean flows from You

Of deep deep love, yeah it’s filling up the room

Your innocent blood, has washed my guilty life

In Your presence God I’m completely satisfied

That sums it up...and it went really well with what I found when I got there...

I thought it must have been Matt who wrote it...but it wasn't.   There were hearts everywhere, surrounding her.  Thank you for this reminder... God loves my little girl, too.

His grace, beauty & glory is all she sees...she is completely satisfied...she is singing and dancing in His eternal love.  I'm happy for her.  What more could a mother want for her child? 

Still miss her...

What's "Better" Anyway?

Well, I guess it's finally happening... I'm feeling "better"

"Better".... what does that mean?  I guess I mean that I'm cleaning my own house, doing my own laundry, making our own my meals, bringing my kids to all their activities myself, not having anxiety attacks... usually... and actually getting through my "to-do" lists.  I'm feeling competent again.

I realized this yesterday as I looked around at 5 pm, while trying out my new pressure cooker (Christmas gift), and my house was spotless, smelled good, laundry done, and the kids had a productive day; even did an art project... things are getting "better."

But is that really what "better" is? 

I guess I didn't realize how rough of shape I was in during my pregnancy.  I knew I was in a lot of pain, I knew my heart hurt... but it wasn't until yesterday that I got a clear view of how bad things were.  I concentrated so much on how amazing Rachel was and planning for "hello" and "goodbye" that I think I just went into survival mode.  And thankfully, while God carried me emotionally, my family and friends came to my rescue and helped me through physically. 

I am so grateful that I was able to let those things go during that time and concentrate on what really mattered.  To know that I was accomplishing God's plan for my life...even with a messy house, needing tons of help, many nights with no real dinner, dirty laundry up to my eyes, afraid to light a candle cause I'd most likely forget it and burn the house down... (funny story, Matt actually accidentally threw Des' snow pants on a lit candle and they caught on fire! - Never a dull moment in the Aube house!)  I'm glad that those things don't matter to God.  I'm glad in that time, while my house fell apart and the "outside" looked awful, God was doing something on the "inside" that could never be taken away....and that I wouldn't need to re-do the next day!  I might have been incompetent to manage my life alone, but the trade off was well worth the surrender.

Before all the snow came, I took the angel that our dear friend Donna had left at Rachel's grave home with me so the winter wouldn't ruin it.  I put it on my counter near the door, and eventually moved it to the sill in the mudroom.  I came across a little pile of dirt, and realized it was from Rachel's grave and had been carried home by the angel... I couldn't clean it up.  I left it there for a few weeks, until yesterday.  As I wiped it up, I had to talk myself through it... "you can't leave it there forever"  I thought.  sigh.  I guess every time I move forward like that, I feel like I'm leaving Rachel behind.  I need to let go of that guilt. The truth is, she's not behind me at all... she's ahead of me; waiting in heaven... I can't wait to see her again.  But, as I move forward, she is part of everything I do; all my days, all my nights.  She is in every hug or kiss I give my family, every smile on my face.  Her memory fills spaces in my mind and heart that can never be taken over by anything else.  I believe that God has great plans in the future even still for Rachel's legacy here on earth, and I know that part of that is going to come from me moving forward....with her; towards her.  That's totally different than moving on without her.

I pray that as I get "better" I remember what "better" really is...  it's not a clean house and everything looking good from the outside.  It's got nothing to do with the things that most people measure as "success"; not my job title, my accomplishments, my house, even my children's achievements or behavior- it's got everything to do with the parts of me that only God can see and surrendering to His will for my life, no matter how hard it is.  I pray that I keep this perspective, that God has given me through Rachel, and carry the truth of it with me for the rest of my life.... and keep getting better, however messy that may look from the outside. 

Moments

As you can probably imagine, and I'm sure I've mentioned before...while I was pregnant with Rachel, I was worried about what she would look like when she was born.  I would look at other babies and look at her ultrasounds and try to figure out what to expect.  I was glad that I had a good site to go to (Anencephaly Blessings From Above) to see tasteful pictures of these beautiful babies, because the Internet shows some scary photos, mostly aborted babies, and it isn't a good idea to search aimlessly for stuff like this.  I was also glad to have a site that I could trust with Desirae's eyes and heart because it was important that she was prepared too. 

I followed people's advise and bought the "micro-preemie" hat and preemie clothes.  The clothes didn't fit, the hat did. :o(  I remember the moment I first laid eyes on her... they held her up for us to see over the barrier shield they had up.  She looked just like I had expected from seeing other photos.  There really isn't any preparing yourself for a moment like that... the one thing I know for sure about that moment is that it was just that... only a moment.

When she was on me, Matt & the nurse were fiddling with her hat trying to get it to stay on.  I told them not to worry about it... I said "I don't care, just leave it off".  I didn't care what she looked like or what she was missing.  I loved her for everything she did have...and everything she didn't have.  She was my baby girl.  Perfect in God's sight; perfect in mine.  I felt sad for her that she was broken, but I wasn't afraid or ashamed of her.  I hated that it meant she couldn't stay, but I loved that it meant she was Rachel... my anencephalic daughter.  I loved her with all that was in me, just the way she was.   The one thing I knew for sure in those moments is that I was going to make the most the time we had left together...if only moments.

In the hours I held her after she died, I kept her close to me and snuggled with her all night.  I didn't plan on that ahead of time, but it felt right.  She was going to stay somewhere that night, and I felt like it should be with me.  I spent time with her doing the things I would normally do with my babies when they are born.  I even blogged with her there in my lap. :o)  She did a lot of blogging with me in her days...  But as the morning came and I knew the time was drawing near that I would have to give her away, the moments were never going to last long enough.


On the way to her funeral, my mom picked me up and the country song "one more day" came on... I shut it off.  I can still picture exactly where we were when I did.  I knew if I listened to it, I would start crying and never stop.  I'd love another day...but I'd take another moment.

At her service, I didn't want it to end.  Time was standing still and flying by at the same time.  After everyone filed out, I went and opened her casket up again.  I had to see her...to touch her... to kiss her.  I couldn't bear to think that this was the last of my moments with her.

So today, I was sitting at my computer and I glanced up and saw the picture of me & her.  I took it down off the shelf and just smiled.  She was so cute.  I remember telling people who came up to me at her service about her dimples on her hands... my favorite.  Her arms & legs and hands & cheeks were chubby.  She looked just like the rest of our kids, a little more like Sam...Mama's mouth & Daddy's nose...she was our daughter and their sister. 

She was beautiful....every moment she was alive and every moment since she's been gone. Perfectly beautiful. 

I teetered between a smile and tears as I memorized her features again, wishing still for one more moment with her.

"Sometimes love is for a moment...

Sometimes love is for a lifetime...

Sometimes a moment is a lifetime" 

-Author Unknown

My Heart's in November



Soli Deo Gloria - "Glory to God alone"
(It's the name we gave our homeschool so that I keep proper perspective on why I'm doing this...)

 What's this?  Well, this is the erasable calendar I made at a MOPS meeting last year...I use it for my homeschool activities and it's hanging on my kitchen wall, still reading "November"...  Why?  Well, cause I can't seem to get myself to erase it.  It's got all my Dr appt's listed... Thanksgiving (our last holiday with Rachel) and at the bottom, I counted ahead to Dec.3 and wrote Rachel's Birthday!

When I made the chores section, I didn't make boxes for each child cause I was hoping to add another baby to our family and I wanted enough space for them all. 

November was a hard month...physically, emotionally, mentally... my dr. appt's were all day events and they were constant.  I could hardly keep up with life...but Rachel was here.  *sigh*  We really did wait for her with hopeful expectation...even though things were hard.  I'm so grateful for that.  A few people have questioned me "your calendar still says November?" I just nod, smile and say..."yeah"  - I know they think I just haven't gotten around to it...  nope. I look at it every day, I've debated changing it to December, January, and now February... but can't.  She was with me in November.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to erase this board.... I know my "baby loss Mama" friends get this. but I really don't want to take her name, or time spent with her, off of my calendar. I actually kept my regular calendar from last year and put it in her memory box.

I'd love to go back to November... my heart is still there.

Don't Want to Miss it Twice

OK, so I'm about to be very vulnerable here....all judgemental people, please exit now........

I trust if you're still reading, that means that you won't have anything judgemental to say, but even more so that if you catch yourself with judgemental thoughts about what I share, you will notice it, call it what it is and admit that you are human, too and that God's knowledge is above all other's.

This morning at church the topic was "Anxiety and Worry"...  before the sermon we sang "Everlasting God" by Chris Tomlin, see lyrics Here.  It's based on the verse I mentioned the other night in my "Waiting for Wings" post... And I cried hard...one of those deep belly cries...yet still praising Him. 

So, when Pastor Willie started the sermon, my heart was ripe to hear.  I was very convicted this morning and it really did sum up what's been happening this week, in the battlefield I call my mind and heart.

I have been very "concerned"...okay, totally worried, about my next baby.  Before Rachel, after I lost our 3rd baby, God put it on our hearts that we should not be trying to control when He gives us children.  He gave us a new outlook on babies, the gift they are, how they are not meant to be "convenient" and let us know that no matter how much we plan, we really have no say on what happens.  I realized that, while I trusted Him with so many other things, I had not trusted Him with my children.  I took the world's ideas of how children should be spaced, how many children I should have, even what I should own or have in order to "provide" for them (as if I'm the one who does that!) and I let fear and human "intelligence" make my decisions. 

Now, before anyone gets defensive, please know that this is OUR conviction... I know that God leads everyone differently and I do not believe that everyone should just have tons of babies... and I know that some people will never have any at all.  I believe that is a calling of it's own and God has purpose in all things. 

So, we lost a baby and God let me know... I can plan it out "perfectly", but ultimately I don't decide.  I had decided the month that we got pregnant with Rachel, that I didn't want to get pregnant that month because I wasn't interested in a Christmas baby.  God had different plans, not only did I get pregnant, but she was due on Christmas day.  I thought "well, that's funny, God" and rolled with it...  When I found out Rachel would die, I was yet again reminded that I have no control... and that I really would LOVE a Christmas baby. :o(  (read It's all perspective post)

After all I went through with Rachel, I thought that I would never struggle in this area again... but here I am.  Worrying.  I must admit, it stems from things that don't matter...  statistics and people's opinions.  I had a couple of people say something along the lines of "you wouldn't try again, would you?  Don't you know that the chances are higher of it happening again?"   hmmm....  while I can say that is a useless comment, and know that's true... I can't help but worry about people's opinions.  I have also heard it said of other people who had more than one anencephalic baby that they really "asked for" a hard road.  So, what it comes down to is that I don't want to ever have to go through this again, but what I really worry about is that if it did happen, people would blame me.  As if I really decide what happens at all....as if having another baby like Rachel would be BAD....as if welcoming a child from God is ASKING for pain... Does anyone else see how crazy those things sound? 

Even more crazy are the things that go on in my mind... Here is a list of things I have worried about this week:

That I will loose another baby to miscarriage
I'll have another anencephalic baby
our headstone will end up being needed for another baby and will have the wrong amount of name boxes on it.
Can me & Matt both be buried there if we have TWO babies there?
If not, would I get buried with them or with Matt?
What if Matt dies first?
my doctor won't support me
people will say I did it to myself and lack compassion
I'll get pregnant with twins, my body won't be able to take it and they will die
I won't be able to do everything I want to do for Rachel if I'm pregnant and sick.
that I'll have a boy
that I'll have a girl
What if I never have another baby at all?
Should we adopt?
How would we afford that?
I wonder if my criminal record would allow that.
Can I get my record cleared yet?
if my body is absorbing the TONS of folic acid I take now
what caused Rachel's condition??
what doctor's office I should use
what hospital I'd deliver at
would I have another c-section or try VBAC?
what if my uterus ruptures during birth and I die?
will I be due around Rachel's birthday? 
How will I grieve and rejoice at the same time?
Would people forget about Rachel?
if my heart could handle any more pain
Would I be angry at God?

That just reminded me of the video they showed this morning telling us what not to do!  And that's all just my thoughts on our next baby... which by the way, I have NO idea when God will give us.  But early this week, we came to the conclusion that we were letting statistics and human knowledge keep us from trusting God and His knowledge.  He does not call us to something and then not give us what we need to go through it.

I also realized that somewhere, deep down, I do still question if God cares for me.  He proves Himself all the time, and yet I still have that little whisper in my ear every time I talk to God.  I'll say "I trust You" and I hear "why do you trust him?"  I'll say "thank you for loving me" and I'll hear "what makes you think he loves you?"  I say "I'm not afraid" and I'll hear "look what happened last time".  I'll say "You're in control" and I hear "really, well why didn't he do x,y,z...?"  It's a battlefield... faith vs fear.  Who will I let win?  Will I take my thoughts captive and rely on God and His Truth or let the enemy's lies infest my mind?  The reason the world is in the mess it is to begin with is because Eve bought into Satan's lie that God didn't have her best in mind. 

I heard something on an interview that I shared with a dear friend last night and as all of this worry stuff came to light, I realized I was supposed to hear it the other day.  The man being interviewed had a serious case of MS and was asked "how do you stay optimistic?"  My ears perked up and I listened to hear his answer.  He said something along the lines "well, I look at it this way... if I worry and nothing bad happens, I miss it once.  If I worry and something bad happens, I miss it twice"

We don't want to miss it twice.  Rachel's life was a perfect example of that.  When we found out she had anencephaly, I had two choices.  I could be mad at God, fall apart, run from Him and cry for 5 months...and then when she died, have missed her twice....   OR, I could stay close to God, pray for healing, have hope and trust in His plan and make the most out of my little girl's life.  and then when she died, be thankful that I didn't miss my chance to love her and rejoice over her.

I've heard it said that courage isn't the absence of fear, but doing the right thing in spite of it.  God does not give us a spirit of fear... or worry. (I said those same words in her diagnosis post where I finally shared that she had anencephaly...which I was afraid of doing because of statistics and other people's opinions!) He gives us a spirit of power, and of love, and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7)  right, Nancy? :o)

So here it is... we're choosing to not worry.  We're choosing to trust God in His plan and believe that He cares for us.  We're choosing to surrender to the fact that we are not in control.  We're choosing to be courageous in Jesus Christ.  We're choosing to love.  We're choosing to not miss it twice.

We're asking you to pray for us as we do....to support us, to love us, rejoice with us and if need be...grieve with us.  But please don't ever judge us or blame us if something goes "wrong"... in God's plan, it's always right.  I am completely surrendered to His will for my life.... the good times, the hard times and everything in between.  And I would gladly welcome another baby like Rachel into our family... she was AMAZING!!

So here we go......

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

1Peter 5:6-11

Loved by God's people

Have I mentioned how God answers my prayers through His people yet?  Let me tell you another story... I have said at least 50 times this winter "this is crazy, I should have a jacket, it's freezing out!"  As a matter of fact, I said that this morning when Matt took me out for breakfast (planned and got a sitter all by himself!) :o)and my van's heat didn't seem to want to work...  winter. :o(   I have a jacket that is a maternity one that can at least zip, but I feel like a tub of lard in, it's huge...and then the rest of my stuff is still too small from Rachel.... I'm actually completely fine with that for the first time in my life, but it's been COLD and I've been FREEZING!  Especially since I have been at the cemetery outside so much.  Yesterday I wore one of Matt's coats so I could bare the weather.

So anyway, today I met with another of my "since Rachel" friends, Vanessa who is helping me with my secret project :o)  We worked on it a little and talked for a while... I was wearing my little zip up sweatshirt that I call a jacket that I have been wearing all winter, and of course, it's snowing again!  Then as I went to leave she said "so, I work at L.L. Bean and got you, Matt & Desirae some jackets..."  I think my mouth hit the floor as I immediately jumped out of the car to try on my new coat!! :o)  I told her I don't have a jacket, but think I failed to fill her in on how many times I have said I need one lately!  I don't think it even dawned on me until I was driving home, heater failing me again, and was actually WARM, that this was such an answered "prayer" (I never really prayed, but God knew what I needed!)  Thank you Vanessa!   Oh, and Matt was excited for me to come home bearing gifts. :o)  And Desirae asked "who's Vanessa?" I explained that she is a friend I got from Rachel and she said "oh" with a shrug and tried it on... she loved hers too. :o)

I LOVE that my kids are thankful, yet not surprised, that someone we barely know would do something so kind for us... they are used to being loved by God's people and I couldn't be more grateful for or humbled by the way people follow His lead and provide for us.  Thank you.

Word of God Speak

Today marks 6 months since we found out Rachel had anencephaly...It's been a long, hard road. There have been over 50,000 visits to our blog and 151,000 page views!!  I looked at the page info and on the day of her birthday, there were 3,976 visitors...another 2,037 the next day...this is all different computers!  I hope that means that there were a lot of people in church in her honor on Sunday!  (read Truth and Dare post!)  You can always do the "challenge" this Sunday if you missed out... :o)

So, today I went to visit Rachel again, even though I went yesterday... I couldn't let a Friday go by without going, I'm not ready to count by months yet...I know I have to eventually...not yet. I brought a few flowers. I cried a lot. I have to admit that today I had one of my few moments (ok, all day) of being disappointed with God's plan... I trust it, but I'm not loving it. I looked around at all the headstones, half of which are covered by snow and couldn't help but think about all the pain in this world. I noticed a spot near Rachel's that had been shoveled out too. I walked over to look and noticed that yesterday would have been this boy's 22 birthday. There was all sorts of gifts there... I just cried harder. It's just not supposed to go this way. Parents are "supposed" to go first. Why, God?
I'll apologize in advance for my bad attitude, please don't mistake it as me being ungrateful for any of the good things that happen daily... but I don't do this very often and I just have to say...

I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. It's not fair.  I wish God would have healed her. I feel a little ripped off. Why couldn't He have just healed her? I mean, He is the God of the universe...creator of heaven and earth...in control of ALL things. This would have been nothing for Him. Why not? His plan was for me to be sleeping with her empty blanket and visiting my baby in a graveyard each week?? I hate this. And why all this freakin' snow?? I asked for a light winter...an early spring. Why not, God? Could something go my way? I hate this. Why couldn't Desirae keep her sister? She prayed for months for a sister. Why not, God? We made a commitment out of obedience to You that we would welcome any children you gave us... You gave her to us, we welcomed her... Why couldn't we keep her?? Why, God?  We constantly tell our kids that obedience brings blessing... are we full of it?? I obeyed You... I followed You... I have been utterly disappointed. Why, God?

As I write this, I can't stop crying... but God always brings me full circle. He just reminded me again...

If this wasn't exactly what it is...

I wouldn't know His love to the depth that I do
I wouldn't know others' love to the depth that I do
I wouldn't know my love to the depth that I do

Everything that has happened with Rachel, all the ways He has provided... in this dark valley, I have seen a light that I had never gazed upon before....and Oh, what a light It is!

All the ways that people have helped us, provided for us, loved us...this is the most loved I have ever felt. Thousands of people loving us and loving Rachel.  The huge snowstorms have proven that every time I pull up to her grave and it's shoveled out...maybe there's a reason God has given us more snow in January than we got all year last year... maybe the melted snow in the spring will help Rachel's tulips grow...

The countless sacrifices I have made for my daughter, helping her to be everything God created her to be, loving her unconditionally, carrying her straight to Jesus, keeping her memory alive... I never knew I could accomplish something so amazing and difficult. I knew I loved being a mom, I knew my kids are my world... I didn't know how much my heart could endure for one of them. I've never needed to know. Most people don't.

I have been blessed for my obedience.

I had a great conversation with the lady at the cemetery office (working on another project that's still a secret for now...) :o) When I went in and told her I was Rachel's mom, she said "oh, that's right it's Friday, huh?" She gave me a hug and we cried together. How many times over the past 6 months have I said that same thing about a total stranger? Countless. This has been a journey of immeasurable love.

I continue to be blessed for my obedience.

As we talked about the peace that only God can give, and she shared with me a time when she experienced that peace herself, I told her of a picture I came across the other day of Me, Matt & Rachel in the operating room.  This picture captured that peace that she was speaking of.  I don't share many pictures, if any, from the OR.. the time feels too special and huge to share with hundreds of people I don't know... however, some of you have loved me better than people I do know...so here it goes...*deep breath*

This is a picture of Matt holding up a paper where the doctor had written Rachel's name, her birthday and time born, and her weight.  I'm glad we have this picture because Matt LOST the paper...(this is me learning to let go...)  Another thing I need to insert here is a note on her weight.  She weighed in at 3lbs 7oz.  She was not a preemie sized baby...sounds it, but a baby's head usually adds quite a bit of weight.  She actually didn't fit into the preemie clothes we brought.  She also measured only 15 1/2 inches...again, because she was missing part of the measurement.  *sigh*  Her body was actually the size of any normal baby at 37 weeks gestation.  Hence, the chubby hands, legs and cheeks :o)  OK, so that was a rabbit trail, bear with me...

Back to the picture, Matt's holding up the paper with Rachel's stats on it... I'm holding her, getting ready to leave the OR and we both have big smiles...

My point?  Look at the clock...

This picture was taken 3 minutes after she died.  Our daughter had just died, and we were smiling...  If you ever wonder if there really is a God, I encourage you to look at this picture and ask yourself how this could be without One... The peace that passes understanding... Only in Him.

As I held her in the moments before this, nobody was talking...all I could hear was the beeping of machines. The song that was playing was "Word of God speak"  (we asked them to put on Christian music for us)  In my original email on August 5th, letting people know that Rachel would not live, I asked everyone to please refrain from using their own knowledge - and instead use God's Word (the bible) - to encourage me because, I said,  "The Word of God speaks".  Wouldn't it be just like God to tie that all together for me... He knows I'm a details person.  :o)

These lyrics have been on my heart this week as I continue to seek God in my valley, knowing that in Him alone, I find my peace.

"Word Of God Speak"

I'm finding myself at a loss for words

And the funny thing is it's okay

The last thing I need is to be heard

But to hear what You would say

[CHORUS]

Word of God speak

Would You pour down like rain

Washing my eyes to see

Your majesty

To be still and know

That You're in this place

Please let me stay and rest

In Your holiness

Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You

Beyond the music, beyond the noise

All that I need is to be with You

And in the quiet hear Your voice

[REPEAT CHORUS 2x]

I'm finding myself at a loss for words

And the funny thing is it's okay

And, because I'm a details person... I just added the song to the blog so you can hear it...no volume? Turn it up, Man.  The 1st song is Word of God Speak...the 2nd is the one we played on the blog on her birthday...the 3rd, a reminder of where she is now.  Details... God is in the details...

Still Waiting for Wings

February 3... 2 months without Rachel.  Me & the kids went to visit her today, finding yet again a nicely shoveled path and grave. :o)  We also discovered some flowers and 3 snowman ornaments hanging on the tree.  One said "Rachel" one said "April" (month we found out we were expecting) and one said "Jesus"...

Shannan stopped by with coffee tonight...I'm so grateful for the people who remember me on Rachel's days.  It really is so good for my heart as her Mama. 

God had put a verse on my heart last night.  It's from the book of Isaiah.  I've always thought of it in situations where I was waiting on the Lord for something and when I first thought of it, it didn't really seem like it applied to me....right, I'm sure that's exactly why God put it on my heart... sigh.  Some day I'll catch on. 

This morning I decided to read it to Rachel.  I backed up a few verses and started reading...and suddenly it took on a whole new meaning... I guess I was thinking that my "waiting" was over... I waited for Rachel, she came and went, and now I just need to heal. (I say that like it's an easy thing!)  It didn't dawn on me that I am waiting on God for that too...people tend to say "time" heals all wounds... I don't know, I'm pretty sure it's God that does that.  Thankfully, because He's the only One Who is capable.

Isaiah 40:28-31

Have you not known?

Have you not heard?

The everlasting God, the LORD,

The Creator of the ends of the earth,

Neither faints nor is weary.

His understanding is unsearchable

He gives power to the weak,

And to those who have no might He increases strength

Even the youths shall faint and be weary,

And the young men shall utterly fall,

But those who wait on the LORD

Shall renew their strength;

They shall mount up with wings like eagles,

They shall run and not be weary,

They shall walk and not faint.

Wow...by the time I got done reading this, I was crying.  It really spoke to my heart.  I am also very grateful that my kids see me continually going to God and trusting in Him through this trial.  I know they are watching, even while they run around and play...they know Mama is reading her bible to Rachel. God is doing something great in them through this too... I am certain of that.

At Rachel's burial, Isaiah got very upset.  He kept saying "but I don't wanna leave Rachel here" and as we tried to explain that we had to, our hearts were screaming inside.  "I don't want to either" I thought.  Well, today, as we drove off, Isaiah said "Rachel was so cute" and Des agreed... My heart was still screaming inside, "I don't wanna leave her here" -  Every time we go to visit her, we have to say goodbye again...every single time, it breaks my heart. 

Tonight I'm holding on to the promise that, while I am so weak, He will renew my strength - and until He does, He is not too tired to carry me.  While life moves on for everyone else, my heart still breaks...God knows. He cares.  His understanding is unsearchable.  I have no might, but He will give me strength... He will give me wings like eagles. 

Until He gives me my own set of wings, I will hide in the shadow of His...The only place I can sing for joy in heartache.

I'm waiting on You, Lord.

Interior Decorating

Another snow day... we got another 18 inches, I guess...who's counting at this point?  My lights on the fence are starting to get covered over.  I thought I told God I wanted an early spring??  *sigh*  Good and bad news is that Matt didn't have to work today...I like having him home, but we need the money.  We got some stuff done today though and had a relaxing day together.  It was nice.

I took some pictures of my most recent interior decorating :o)  I could probably make a post out of each one, but I'll try to consolidate...

A friend on my blog, Bridget sent me a wall decal... Thanks Bridget!  I love it!

In "Rachel's Room"

My friend Beka, gave us a plate that we brought with us to the hospital to put Rachel's footprints on.  She took it after we got home and decorated it for us and had it fired....Thanks, Beka!


In our kitchen

 Shannan found this great place that preserves flowers on tiles and brought me 2 days after Rachel's funeral to have the flowers that were on her casket preserved; tulips and daisies... Thanks, Shannan! 
The Dance & Laughter plaques are from a church friend... Thanks, Mary!

In our bathroom
---
The dance one says:
Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass,
It's about learning to dance in the rain.
---
Rachel taught me how to do that.

 I only bought the tile above, the woman from Everlasting Flowers in Amesbury, MA sent this one as an extra gift... Thanks, Barbara!

In our livingroom
---
Both flower tiles read:

Rachel Alice Aube
December 3, 2010
43 beautiful minutes

I have loved you with an everlasting love
Jeremiah 31:3

And yesterday, I finally finished a project that was actually the first thing I knew I wanted to do when I found out all we would be taking home from the hospital was memories of our girl... Thanks, Jill for letting me use your rainbow ink pad...it had some very special feet on it! :o)

In Rachel's Room...
---
It reads:

My Daughter
I love you and would never leave you
when you see only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you.

When I read this, I think of how I carried Rachel and would never have given up on her... I also think about how God carries me and never gives up on me.  I put the footprints in rainbow colors & shape as a reminder of God's promise.... The promise of beauty after a storm...  the promise of blessing out of obedience... the promise of God's provision.  What a journey it's been...  I have learned so much from that little girl.  Lessons about life, death and everything in between.  But most of all, I've learned more about God; He is so good.

How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news! - Romans 10:15b

We Still Believe

Here it is...my promised project...

(pause music at bottom of blog first so you can hear it)

It's All Him

Our friend Tris who works with Luke Smith (he did the other photos on my blog) gave us some photos yesterday that he took at Rachel's service. I am so grateful to have these pictures.  I was in such a fog of shock that I hardly remember things until I see it.  I wanted to share a few...


This was right when we pulled up to the burial service.  I remember how my heart sank when I saw her little casket sitting on the ground.  One of the most painful things I've ever looked at.



My amazing husband carrying his daughter



A sad Mama & Daddy



Desirae leaving a flower for her sister 

I get so many e-mails and letters in the mail (even phone calls) from people telling me of their new found hope and renewed relationship with the Lord since reading my blog...how my journey with Rachel has touched their hearts.  People telling me of their own losses and how they have received comfort through my words.  I hear over and over how strong I am... what a good mom I am (my favorite :o) )  They tell me how well I've walked this path through suffering...  I have to be honest,  I am honored that people see me that way.  However, Tris got a couple of pictures that clearly tell why any of that is seen in me at all, but why I don't deserve any of the credit...




This is at Rachel's service during worship

 

Matt was still wearing his hospital bracelet- he wore it for a couple of weeks before he cut it off.

I looked at these pictures and was so humbled by them. I pray it does the same for your hearts... we serve a God Who is worthy of all our praise....even in our darkest valleys, because when we are weak, He is strong.  It is NOT me... it's all Him.  Alone, I would not be able to do any of this.  It is not my words that comfort, it is His...not me who renews your hope or your relationship with Him, it's all Him.  It's not my ability that makes me a good mother, it's that He is able and willing to cover over all my downfalls and sin....it's all Him.  He gave me Rachel to begin with, He took her away and He is carrying me through all my pain and heartache.  It's all Him.  I am so grateful that He has given me the ability to praise Him through this storm... I'm thankful that He is the lifter of my head... that He keeps my hands risen in praise to His name. 

In these photos we were singing a song called "We still believe"  it says:

From the thankful heart to the battle-scarred

From the comforted to those who grieve

From the mountaintop to the empty cup

From the waiting to those who have received

We cry out as one

Chorus:

We still believe

We still believe

We still surrender in our hearts

Your faithfulness is our reward

We still believe

We still believe

And though the journey has been hard

We will confess your goodness, God

We still believe

From the reborn hope to the weary soul

From the quest for truth to those who see

From the soaring wings to the shattered dream

From the broken to those who have been healed

We cry out as one

Chorus 2x

Through the fire, through the pain

We offer you our yes again (2x)

(song coming soon... since I started writing this post, I got myself into a project that's not done yet) :o)

I need to confess, the week before I found out about Rachel, my faith was at a all time low.  I was struggling to trust God with anything.  Our computer had broke (well, Isaiah broke it) and Matt had said "instead of running out and buying a new one, why don't we pray about it"  You want to know what I said? "OK, Matt that's a great idea and when God doesn't drop a computer in our lap by the end of the week, what is your plan then?"  You know what happened??  On Saturday morning, I got a call from our friends Carole & Clyde saying they got a new computer and wanted to know if we wanted their other one, which was just a couple months old... I actually said "you know that sounds great, but I almost don't want to say yes, cause then I'll have to tell Matt he was right" :o)  But more than that, I had to admit that I was of so little faith.  I didn't believe God cared about the details of my life.  I didn't start out that way in my walk with him, life had worn me down.

In that one week, we prayed about Matt needing new work boots, found brand new ones on our seat in the van after church - prayed about Des' clothes, she got a big package in the mail from Matt's stepmother....all things that proved the same thing over and over... He cares.  The next week, when we walked out of our ultrasound, I said to Matt "this is what He was preparing me for"  - He didn't give me a new computer cause He thought I couldn't live without one.  He was showing me He was there....Just in time for me to really need to believe it.

Thank You Jesus for meeting me where I'm at every day, loving me just the way I am, lifting my head and my hands to You, and for comforting others through my trial.  Thank You that You always preparing me in advance for what I have to do.  Thank You for Rachel and for all You have done through her.  Thank You for choosing me to be her mother.

"You are not alone"

On Friday, I went to visit Rachel for her 8 week birthday :o)  Des was invited by Mrs. Marshall at Tri-City to stay after art class for a special guest they were having.  We have been so blessed by the support and love that everyone at that school has given us.  It is so apparent to me that God ordained her time there last year and has provided for us in so many ways through the staff.  We are so grateful to be considered part of their school and for all of their support, even as homeschoolers.  So anyway, because she was there for a while Friday, I didn't have to rush my visit with Rachel this week. 

Friends of ours, Brent & Naomi, live nearby the cemetery and told us that they planned on making it a family tradition to clean Rachel's spot for us every year.  They have been faithfully shoveling it out for us, including last week when the roads weren't plowed yet, meaning they made the same trip we did through the snow!  When I pulled up, I figured it would be somewhat cleaned up...  what I saw, yet again left me in tears of gratitude.  I cannot begin to explain how amazingly people have loved us through this journey.  Not only had Brent & Naomi cleaned ALL the snow off of Rachel's grave, the marker I made her and little name plate, (and they said someone else had done some cleaning up too) but the cemetery apparently plowed the entire area!  This spot that is plowed is not even a road, it's usually lawn, but they did this especially for us.  I am humbled by the ways people continuously bless us...  thank you all!




approaching Rachel's spot... this is how deep the rest of the cemetery is!



you can see her little name plate... they had even completely cleaned that off - right down to the ground!

It was nice to not have a time limit....but it made for a lot of tears.  I miss her so much.  I can't believe it's been 8 weeks...and then at times I can't believe it's only been 8 weeks.  I don't remember life before her...don't really want to. 

This spot is WAY bigger than I need and yet was given to me out of love and compassion from somebody that I have never done anything for and will never be able to repay. It says loud and clear "you are not alone."  Kind of reminds me of Jesus.  He has given me more than I could ever have asked for out of love & compassion.  I did nothing to deserve it and will never be able to repay Him.

For a time in my life that will most likely be the worst pain I'll ever endure, I am amazed every day at how much joy there is in heartache when you are walking the path with God.  He is ever reminding me, "you are not alone."

I Love My Auntie

My sister called me the other day and said "I was just looking at a picture of me & Rachel and I just wanted to say 'thank you'...I know you didn't have to let me meet her, but I'm really glad I was there"...

Meg was the only other person who was blessed to meet Rachel while she was still alive outside my belly.  Many people got to know her while I was carrying her... her personality shone through even as she danced inside my womb, and people close to me saw that...but by the time they met her face to face, she was already in the arms of Jesus....

I had struggled with whether I wanted anyone in the OR with us...  My sister & mom are always will us when I have a baby and I'm not usually a shy person, but I felt very conflicted about this decision.  I didn't know how I would feel or if I would want anyone there when Rachel came into the world.  They had said we could have 1 person, depending on the doctor who was there and how they felt about it.  We decided that as long as the anaesthesiologist (they're in charge in the OR) would allow her, we would have Meg there.  I had no idea that she would be the only one to meet her alive... I really thought I would have long enough with her that others would too.... that was hard in the beginning, but every day I realize more that God was protecting my heart.  He knows exactly what I need.  And since everyone has different needs, He meets them differently and therefore, we all have different stories.  Sometimes I hear of babies living days and get sad that it wasn't our story, but I know Rachel was meant to live for 43 minutes, in the arms of her Mama & Daddy. 

Meg's friend had given me a bunch of girl clothes when I was pregnant.  I washed them all and got ready for my girl.  I remember someone coming over and seeing all the clothes folded on the table and looking at me as if I was in denial that my baby was going to die.  Well, I changed that girl probably 4 or 5 times... and this outfit was a special one; it says "I love my Auntie"...  and that she does :o) 

I'm glad you were there too, Meggie. :o)  Thank you for recognizing the gift she was.

Caught Off Guard

My mom & I were talking yesterday about how grief can catch you off guard.  I was talking about how I hadn't had any trouble being around babies yet... there are lots of them in our church and a couple at Isaiah's pre-school.  I see lots of them in people's arms and in carseats and have yet to be anything but smiles when I do.  I love babies.   But on Sunday, out of nowhere, I got sad.  It was a baby boy, not a girl... that's not what I thought would happen, I thought only baby girls would be hard.  It caught me off guard that as I watched this mama and her baby, I got sad.  I realized it wasn't the baby that was making my heart hurt, it was the bond that she and her baby had that my heart is longing for.  She was totally loving on him, rubbing his head with her cheek...  that's what I miss.

Today I had another doctor appt... every time I walk down that hallway, Aug 4th comes back to me... the feelings are right there again, but today, I felt strong.  I saw a brief flashback in my mind of what I have come through over the last 6 months and how God carried me and I feel honored to have been a part of His plan.  I sat down and started reading a baby magazine... (I know, it's daring)  Every page I flipped had some headline that said something completely different to me than it would to the average girl...

 "Saving your baby's cord blood may be life saving for your family" (picture of chubby baby girl)

We donated Rachel's cord blood for anencephaly research...

"Dreft - turns preparing into caring" (pictures of pregnant mama cuddling a cute pink outfit)

Our "preparing" turned into funeral plans...I cuddle an empty blanket every night

"Life's better with Baby"

*Sigh* Not just any baby...

"Happy Hair Days - Losing a lot? This will help"

For once in my life, I wish my hair was falling out from nursing an infant...but it's not.

"I'll protect you - Babies feel the difference of our best sensitive care" (they're talking about wipes...I'm thinking about life)

I loved her from the start and would do anything for her... I know she felt my protection and care.  I know it.

They called my name, I put the magazine down and followed the nurse, impressed with how well I handled looking at all that stuff in the waiting room.  What's that verse... "Therefore let anyone who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall.”   yeah...

She handed me a postpartum depression questionnaire... 

First question:  How old is your baby?

I lost it....  totally caught off guard.

I told them they need a different form for people like me.  You can't ask a woman who just lost a baby, how old her baby is and then follow it up with "how often do you cry?" and think you're going to be able to tell if she's depressed.  You need a different form... if a form is ever really going to be able to see depression through grief.  Not everybody that cries is depressed... and not everybody that is depressed cries.  Then she told me I scored high on the depression scale... huh?  I am SO not depressed.... or in denial...

cry? yes.
want to go many places? no.
feel anxious? sometimes.
sleep good? not without help.

Could it be "depression"?  yes, if I didn't just have my baby die in my arms... 
Oh, and she is almost 8 weeks old... just for the record.  And although sad, I have never had more JOY in all my life.  I felt guilty that I didn't say that for Rachel.

Next time someone asks me how old she is, I'll be more prepared to answer.

Announcing...

Our beautiful daughter, Rachel Alice Aube...

I sent these out to our families and was waiting for them to get them first before posting it for everyone else... I got a thank you card today from Matt's Aunt so I think it's safe to share!  (Wish the scan would have come out better)

I just got another draft of her headstone from the stone company.  It's very difficult to look at her name on a stone... so I'm counteracting the pain of that with the joy of this...

I'm so glad we got to meet her.

I'm so glad Jesus was with us when we did.

I'm so glad that if she had to leave us, it was to go to Him.

How Many Tissues to a Mended Heart?

My friend Ruth told me that after she lost her boys, she started measuring her days in tissues... a "1 tissue" day was a "good" day...  Let's see, today...  I lost track of my tissues hours ago.

If you haven't listened to the song that our friend Phil wrote yet, you should.  I put a link to it at the top of my blog... I don't listen to it often, cause honestly, I cry a lot when I do.  Because it was written with Rachel in mind and the lyrics are so personal., it really breaks my heart wide open.  I know I need that sometimes...but it's not a comfortable feeling.

Today I was putting it on the blog and listened to it....  1 tissue, 2 tissues, 3 tissues, 4....

And we'll follow that up with a really bad headache.  It left me wondering God, when will I not hurt so bad??  I decided to look up a verse that might make me feel better...  I typed "bible verse for sorrow" in google. (it's a quick concordance) :o)  And the verse that popped up was:

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he saves those who are crushed in spirit.  Psalm 34:18

It wasn't what I thought I needed to hear... I decided to go get my devotional book out instead.  The woman from String of Pearls (link on side of blog) had sent it to me after my sister contacted her to tell her about Rachel when I was pregnant.  It is called the One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie.  I started it when I first got it, but only got a few devotions in and stopped.  I brought it with me to the hospital and put Rachel's hand and footprint inside it, as well as inside the journal she sent me to go with it. I planned on journaling in at the hospital, but never did.  This was one of the things I came across, in my unpacked stuff, the other day that I had forgotten about (my room painting day)

Why am I telling you this?  Because I opened it up and the last day I had written in it was October 16; the day we had Rachel's baby shower.  It was a joyous day, celebrating our little girl's life... and at the same time making our impending loss that much more obvious. The title at the top of that day's devotion?  But I Am Trusting  The prayer at the bottom says:

You are my God, and I want to trust you with the hurts of my past and the pain that may be in my future.  Today I choose to trust you and believe you'll give me the grace to trust you tomorrow, too. (underlines mine)

The title at the top of the page today?  Brokenhearted

The verse? 

the Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he saves those who are crushed in spirit

The meditation says:

Quiet yourself in the presence of God, and meditate on the comforting promises of this verse.
Express your brokenheartedness and crushed spirit to God, laying it all before Him.
Ask God to make the closeness of his presence known to you, and open yourself up to his rescue.

I'm thinking that this was the verse that He had for me today afterall...even though I was expecting something different.  And considering the number of tissues I've been through while opening up my heart to this truth... I guess He was right.  Imagine that. 

So tonight, I continue to surrender my life to the One Who knows me, loves me, and cares for me... The only One Who can heal my broken heart...trusting that He is big enough and strong enough to carry me through this...I again lay my sorrows at his precious feet, keeping my eyes on His cross; knowing that He is aware of my suffering and treasures my tears.... and he knows how many tissues have soaked them up in my sadness.

AND...my husband just walked in with some pretty flowers for me. :o)  Said he thought I should have some on my desk... I love being Mrs. Aube :o)

It's almost spring

Well, our Christmas tree is still up...even if outside...in Rachel's memory.  My bright light in the dark days, just like her. The snow is so deep now, the tree will be there through February at this rate. We couldn't get it out now if we wanted to, but we don't want to, so it works out good. :o)...and with the 18" we're supposed to get on Wednesday, the fence will soon be covered!  I'm hoping for an early spring!  I know it sounds unrealistic to think that will happen with things looking the way they do, but hope does not disappoint us!  Never has, never will.

Jill stopped by Saturday night and brought some "spring" to my home...

When I went to bed, they were all flopping over and not too happy.  I almost cut all the stems shorter so they would stand up.  But in the morning, I walked into the kitchen and there they were... straight up again!  I can't wait to see what Rachel's tulips look like when they bloom.  I'm pretty sure they are this same color and there is around 130 of them just waiting beneath all that snow to break through the hard ground and show their beauty!  Come on, spring time!!

PS - It was still light at 5:30 today!!  More sunshine and some flowers... it's almost "spring". :o)

Painting my sorrows away...

Sadness is hard.  It always seems to catch me off guard.  I realized this afternoon that it's as if I just don't have time to grieve. 

I thought I was doing really "well"...  I even had told someone at church this morning that I was doing better emotionally.  I noticed last night that when I got into bed (at a decent time for once! AKA before mindnight) and snuggled up with Rachel's blanket, that I didn't cry.  I started to think I was finally (as if it's been long!!) getting past the hard part... 

This afternoon, I was feeling pretty good.  My sister came to church with us, which always makes for a great morning for me. :o)  Her & the kids came over for lunch and I cut her hair... I was feeling "normal".... look out whenever that feeling comes!  I decided I would work on a project I have been wanting to do with Rachel's footprints.  Again, feeling pretty good about it...  I opened up the laptop bag that I brought to the hospital and discoverd a bunch of things I hadn't unpacked yet...

I haven't been able to take everything out cause I'm waiting on getting this room done (floors & walls) before I unload everything... but without looking at her stuff, I rarely cry.  I'm too busy and it's easy to avoid.  I realized today why avoiding my feelings isn't good.  Because in about 2 secs flat I was deep belly sobbing.  I cried so hard that I got a bad headache almost instantly.  I was frustrated with the fact that her stuff is still all shoved in random baskets, that I don't have any of it displayed... feeling guilty that I'm not doing more with her things to make them special and visible.  Overwhelmed with the things I want to do...like scrapbook her pictures...  I hate clutter and this whole room is full of it.  Totally NOT what I wanted to do with this space. 

As I tried to explain all this to Matt through my sobs, I did what I do best... decided to do something about it.  I did feel (and probably look) slightly crazy when I stood up, still crying, and started moving everything out of this room... but I didn't care.  "Mama mode" set in and I can't take her stuff being boxed up anymore.  My amazing husband didn't question me, he just started working along side me... taking everything off the walls and prepping them for paint. (which, by the way we had picked up last night!) He ran to the store and bought a roller while I cut in the edges... 2 hours later, the room was done.  I still can't set up her stuff until the floors are done, but it's not out of sight, out of mind anymore... nothing is going back in this room until it's ready for Rachel.   I wish I would've been doing this all along.  She deserves a room. 

Isaiah came in and asked "Why you paintin' the waws?" 
"Cause this is what Mama does instead of having a break down"  I said, half joking.
"And this is how I love Mama" Matt added. 

Of course Isaiah wanted to help...

In case your wondering, we went with gray... totally not a color I would normally pick, but I needed something that would be good for an office...and a nursery.  No, I'm not pregnant.. but I hope that Rachel will someday be a big sister.  And now I'm gonna sound really pathetic... I went on line yesterday to see what color the "experts" recommend for a gender neutral nursery...they said gray.  I looked at a few different bedding sets...girl and boy ones to make sure they knew what they were talking about...I think they're right. I long for the day I need one - except I'll probably never use it cause I won't want to put the baby down.

Before we found out about Rahel I had a couple dreams that something was wrong with her... tried to convince myself I was just paranoid... well, the other night, I dreamed that Matt painted the office walls pink on accident.  I kept saying "but what if we have a boy?"  and he kept insisting that it wasn't pink, it was beige. (he's color blind)  I'm hoping that means I'll need pink accents someday, but I will happily take blue ones if I can actually use the room for my baby and not just his/her memories.  

I miss my girl.... I have a feeling I'll be painting something for the rest of my life....