this, that, and something else...

Well, as you can tell, I've been short of words for a few days... I actually wrote 2 posts last night and didn't publish them cause they were a mess.  I have a wide variety of emotions these days... from still grieving Rachel, to celebrating our new baby... from excitement over the playground, to the overwhelming nature of a big project like this... being tired while running around 24/7 with my other 3 energetic children...

I feel like I'm going in a 1000 directions...

So, the big "bomb" today is that I got the scheduled budget for the playground with the fencing, swings, and ground cover and it is quite a bit higher than expected.  (let me just say it's still MUCH lower than it should cost, but Learning Structures is literally donating around $20,000 in their services and materials. None of this would be close to possible without them)  I know that we will get donations of materials and some discounted materials from different companies, but we are over $11,000 off if I want the swings and close to $9,000 off if I go without them.  Unfortunately, the swings were my big request in the beginning of all this.  I don't want to sound ungrateful, because I have been so blessed to see how many people responded to Rachel's obituary and how many people came to her shower and donated even back then. (October)  I have almost $5,000 before any fundraising and that is such a blessing!  We are only able to do one fundraiser at the church and it's not scheduled until April 10, which feels really late to be doing our only fundraiser.  Please pray with us that as we work our way through these next 6 1/2 weeks, that people will be generous with their prices on materials and that God will pull this all together.  I know He can.  I'm sure He's already working on that.

This is where the determination He gave me helps me cause I think I could very easily get discouraged right now.  I'm a pregnant, newly grieving, broke mother trying to build an expensive playground for my daughter.  Hmmm...  yeah, I feel a little crazy.  But the one thing I know about me is that when I set my mind on something, I see it through.  I told Rachel I would build her a playground.... and she's getting one.  I always keep my word.  I serve an awesome God and I believe He has His hand in this.  He has pulled these pieces together until now, and I need to trust He will continue to do so.

Today at music, I started a new song... "I will" by the Beatles... "Love you forever and forever, love you with all my heart, love you whenever we're together, love you when we're apart"  It's a love song... and all I could think of was Rachel...  "If you want me to, I will...."  I will do anything for her.  I would then, and I will now.

Sometimes my heart yearns so bad to do amazing things for her that it can be such a lonely place.  While I have lots of people who are supportive and who want to help... and I know I'm not alone (on the outside), my heart is.  My heart alone aches for her to be recognized... for this playground to be hers... for everyone who steps foot on it to think of her.  My heart wants everyone to be supportive of it and excited for it cause to me, it means they are supportive and excited about Rachel.  And it's just not the way it is.  Some people aren't happy about it at all, or their just disinterested...some people are looking forward to just a playground... and some think it's for other kids...  which I guess, technically, it is.  But in my heart... it's for Rachel.  She may never step foot on it, but every time me, Matt or her sister(s)? and brothers do...she will be there in our hearts.  Is it foolish of me to want everyone else to feel the same?  What difference does it make anyhow?  Nothing will bring her back.  Nothing will stop my heart from hurting.  The people who are unhappy are unhappy with everything I do.  The disinterested ones, are disinterested with everything I do.  I can't change people.  Heck, I can't even change myself.  I haven't made it a day yet since last Wedneday that I haven't heard a swear come out of my mouth... I know, I'm a bad Chirstian.

Did you just judge me?? That's much better than swearing...(at least nobody can see that.)

eek...sarcasm...sorry!   It's not going to get any better with hormones I hate to say.  I'll work on that... and if that fails, I'll hide in the house for 9 months. :o)  seriously.  This is where my mother would tell me "Stacy, you've lost your filter"  that's code for: "shut up your hormones are talking."

See what I mean about my posts being messy...  I'm all over the place, and this is the edited version.  I guess maybe it's a good thing that I haven't worked on my book this week!  sigh.

Bear with me... I'll be back to my usual someday.... (notice I didn't say "normal"?) But if I wait for that to happen, I might never post again cause I just almost deleted this one too! 

I guess it's a good thing we're building an ark, cause with all this "rain", I'm gonna need one. 

I'm missing my girl...and it still hurts like crazy.