We just got home from church and I started making some chicken salad for lunch. Desirae asked me if she could look at my blog. All of a sudden, I heard Rachel's song come on. I was not expecting it and I braced myself cause I have yet to listen to it and not fall apart. I hate to admit that I often would like to listen to it, but unless I have time for a breakdown, don't. (sorry, Phil) The song is perfect for my heart.
So, there I stood, cutting celery and the tears started. I thought back to the day when I listened to this song for the first time, shortly after Rachel died , and I had fallen to the floor sobbing. I remember how deep my sorrow was and how it just took over in that moment. I thought about myself laying on the kitchen floor fighting my reality with tears. When I think of how much my heart hurt and everything I was going through (not that it's over, but it's better) in those days following her death, my heart breaks all over again. I never knew anything could hurt so much.
By the time the song got to the part that says "I try to trust You have a plan now, I'm sure you understand my pause" The flood gates opened. I don't think those words could explain it better...the whole song... it's exactly my heart from the first line to the last.
In went the celery... my tears multiplied
In went the raisins...my belly started to contract as I took breaths between sobs.
In went the mayo... I was officially having a melt down.
That song ended and Des decided she wanted to watch Rachel's video.
I heard, "There were photographs I wanted to take, things I wanted to show you." There is no way I can listen to that song and not be brought back to the days of my pregnancy...The days when I was still trying to digest what in the world was happening and what I was going to have to do. The days when "I will carry you" made sense as the song on my blog. Before "Dancing with the Angels" took it's place. And about 2 seconds into that, my head was buried in Matt's chest bawling.
My precious baby girl... I just don't get it. I hate that it's real. And I hate that anyone else has to endure this pain. I wish I could take the pain away from so many people...and yet I know that it would be selling them short because while this is the hardest thing I have EVER done...it's also the most beautiful.
If my tears of disbelief and my hopeful expectation could have made a difference, Rachel would have been healed. I have spent more days shaking my head at the thought of the reality of this than I can count. It just really doesn't seem possible that I gave birth to a baby who didn't have the top of her head....and that I had joy in that and loved her with all that I am. I stand above her grave, still wanting to deny that she was buried there. I sleep with her blanket still hoping I'll wake up tomorrow to find it was all a bad dream. We just took down our Christmas tree last week, and have yet to take down our lights because they were from a time when she was closer to us. I don't want to keep going further from her. If my desire to hold her again could bring her back, she would be in my arms right now.
I get emails regularly hearing from mothers who just found out their baby has anencephaly. I cry every time. My heart aches for these moms cause I know too well the pain. But please know, if you are carrying a baby with anencephaly that your baby is going to be beautiful. Your baby is going to change the world. Your baby is going to change you. You will never be the same and you would never want to be. Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9) He will never leave you or forsake you. (Hebrews 13:5)
The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you (and your baby!) with singing. (Zeph. 3:17)
Nothing will make it easy, but with God, you will know peace. I promise.
We're listening to a sermon right now and as I wrote those last lines, I heard him say... "remember that it is the irritant in the oyster that produces the beautiful pearl and the crushed flower that produces the beautiful perfume."
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything