Redefining Me

Wow...14 weeks.  I miss her. 

My neck and back are severely messed up right now.  I've been wearing my neck brace, but it only seems to be getting worse.  This happened in the beginning of my pregnancy with Rachel and Sam too.  I guess it's a good way to slow me down cause it hurts!  When I woke up, I could hardly move so I decided that my only goal for the day would be homeschool and nothing else.

Then I realized it is Friday.

There was no way I could ditch out on my girl on Friday.  The fact that I just found out I'm pregnant accentuated my "I have to go" feeling.  So, I packed the kids in the van with help from my big girl and we ran down to the cemetery.  It was POURING today.  When I pulled up, I could see the outline of the exact spot where she was buried.  That spot was way more muddy than the rest cause it's new dirt.  My stomach turned.  I only had a minute to visit (literally) so I grabbed the dead flowers and tried to take the stuffed animal my sister left... I was pulling on it when I saw a huge grub looking bug on it.  I hate bugs.  I knocked it off and then (this is when I looked and felt crazy) I tried to kill it with my boot in the mud... all it did was sink lower... I kept at it cause I WAS NOT letting that gross bug go into the ground where my daughter is...

And then I realized... it's not the only one down there.

I had to leave the stuffed animal there cause my sister did way too good of a job tying it onto her marker... but I left really upset....swearing even. (I'm trying to tame my tongue for Lent)  sigh.  It felt like an emergency that we remove this toy from her grave.  My heart just can't handle the thought.  I spend 1/2 my gardening time killing gross little grubs we get in our yard.  They are disgusting and I have no idea why God created them.  And as soon as it's barely warm enough to have bugs at all... they're attacking her stuffed animal?  What the heck? 

I got the design for the playground today... it's awesome!  I can hardly believe it's happening.  There are a couple minor changes to be made and we'll be able to start working on gathering the materials.  I can't wait to see this finished.  I know I always say this and somebody inevitably tells me "she does", but... I wish she knew.  I wish she knew about the things we're doing to keep her memory alive.  I wish she knew to what lengths I would go to care for her and protect her.  I can feel slightly crazy at times since after all, she is dead... but she is my daughter and I take my Mama role seriously - even after death.  I wish she knew.

And then we have the new baby...  What I'm realizing is that my idea of what it means to be pregnant isn't what it used to be.  When I had Desirae and Isaiah I thought that you decided you wanted to have a baby, you got pregnant that month and you had a healthy baby at home with you 9 months later.  After my miscarriage, I thought that getting pregnant meant you got to keep the baby if you made it past the 3 month mark... and now, well, getting pregnant only means I'm pregnant.  I have a hard time believing that I will be holding a new baby that I can keep in November.  I'm not filled with worry right now or even anxious at all, but I am struggling to say "we're going to have a baby"  because the truth is, I don't believe it yet.

I will say that because of Rachel, I am already loving this baby more than I have any of my children this early on.  She made me a better mom.  I find myself talking to the baby regularly without thinking twice and I also caught myself about 10 times today begging God not to take this baby...Please God let me keep this baby.  I think this is a time in my pregnancies that I always took for granted.  If only I knew that every second mattered... and that is why it says next to Rachel's name "our 2nd daughter, who taught us to love every second of life"  because she truly redefined so many things for us...  she redefined pregnancy, love, hope, life, death, heartache.  She redefined beauty, loyalty, selflessness.  She redefined what is important.  She changed my view on cemeteries, hospitals, funeral homes.  She changed me.

I remember before we found out she had anencephaly, my friend Kim came over and I had a breakdown while doing dishes saying "I don't know what I'm doing having all these kids"  I was at the end of my rope with them and feeling totally inadequate for the job.  Well, I know now what I'm doing "having all these kids"... I'm learning the true definition to so many things.  It's not always easy and I mess up daily... but I am changing...one child at a time... into more of who God wants me to be.  Through them, He is redefining me.