Saturday, March 19, 2011

Mothers who know

I had a strange experience today... we were packing up to go to a birthday party and I forgot that I didn't have a baby.  I started looking around for what I needed to pack for bottles... it only lasted a second or two, but it was long enough to make me very aware that every part of my being knows I should be caring for a little 3 month old baby right now.  My stomach turned and my heart felt like it got ripped out of my chest.  It also reminded me of how deeply this loss has affected me.  It's easy for me to forget (and everyone else for that matter) that the loss of a child isn't something you get over.  3 months really is just such a short time.  It feels like forever, but it's not long at all.

My friend Anne gave me the first outfit for the baby today.  I got a little emotional when I saw it... I'm really pregnant!  I think I'm still slightly in denial - maybe just unintentionally protecting my heart, I don't know.  I held it up and looked at it and I hate to admit this, but my first thought was "where am I going to put this if I don't get to keep this baby?"   I had to force myself into positive thinking and say "my baby is going to look so cute in this"  which (s)he will!  When I got home, I hung it on the same nail in the livingroom where I hung the first dress I bought Rachel, before I knew she was a girl or would soon die.  That dress hung there for months.  I think I will do the same with this outfit.

Anne & her husband Chris lost their daughter Rose to anencephaly and have a memorial fund in her name that they do all sorts of really good stuff with!  Today she gave me another donation towards Rachel's playground.  I think it's so cool that Rose's fund is helping build Rachel's playground!   I feel so blessed to have a friend near by that I can hang out with that truly knows what I'm going through.  We can exchange a look and know exactly how the other feels.   All the other baby loss mamas I know I have to talk through email to, but we get to go get pedicures together and let our kids play together.  Not only did we both lose our daughters, but both to anencephaly.  I am so thankful to God for putting us together.  I'm also thankful that we know that our girls are in heaven together, and they are whole there.  

I was getting some stuff together for the next playground meeting on Monday and came across the book they gave us at the hospital that serves as a baby book, but has all the places to write about the baby's death.  So sad... a baby book that says stuff like "time of your death" and "date of memorial service" and "what we did with your tiny body" - instead of things like "first smile", "what you like to eat" and "first tooth". There was a little poem and this is the 2nd time I've read it and cried so I guess it touches a spot somewhere.  There are two little lambs on the bottom (her name means innocent lamb and she was buried with one)  it says:

At unusual times,
In unexpected places:
the supermarket, the ball game, on the way home from work,
my eyes sting and my throat gets tight.
And then I know that all I want is you.

I guess it's the last line that does it to me...  or maybe it is just because it is a mother who knows my pain and understands my thoughts that gives her words such meaning in my heart.  Maybe it's because she needed this book too.  Maybe it is because that happens to me every day.

Last week it was when we told people I was pregnant and I heard someone say "I hope this baby is ok" as if it's a replacement for my last defective one, Last night it was when I saw the same daisy outfit at the store that Rachel wore in the it was this book... tomorrow it will be while I do the bulb fundraiser at church.  Everyone else will be thinking that I must be really happy to be raising money for a playground for my daughter (I'll probably even be smiling)... except they are forgetting the one word that changes that: MEMORIAL.  I'd rather have her.  The playground is great, but as much as I love that I'm turning a horrible thing into something positive, I can see how it has also made some people forget where I'm coming from.  It's a hard line to walk and fortunately for them, but unfortunately for me, they aren't mothers who know...  


  1. Praying for you and your family. You have such a beautiful family. I lost my first child and that was over 4 years ago and I still think about the what ifs. I know God is going to take care of you and this baby. The devil tries his best to defeat us and bring us down but we'll not be defeated. On bad days when I feel so down, I go around singing that song We'll Not BE Defeated and Victory Is Mine. I posted those songs on my page if you would like to listen to them. Don't let the devil take your joy from this pregnancy with making you worry because together we will defeat him together through prayer!!! I will leave you with this thought. THere is a song called My Life Is In Your Hands. The words are so powerful. It says You don't have to worry and don't you be afraid because joy comes in the morning. I know that I can make it, I know that I can stand because my life is in your hands.
    Hope you have a great day tomorrow!!!
    Love in Christ,

  2. Hey girl! Izzy loved her gifts and I loved the shirt, thank you! I really enjoyed seeing you and your family yesterday.
    I'd rather we met because our girls were playing at a playground instead of this, but I am still glad that we met. A testament that God knows everything and set every person where they should be. The odds for anencephaly are 1 in 1000, and both of our girls were that 1. In any other "arena" that would be pretty amazing. Coincidentally that is what Rachel and Rose are...and so are their Mamas! ;)

  3. at a loss for words today...just wanted you to know I was here and I love you.

  4. There's something a little different about knowing someone IRL that understands rather than online. But I am glad for both.

  5. Praying for your heartache. Glad Rachel will have a playground in her memory, but wishing you could have her in your arms instead too. Keep trusting your heart to the one who heals all hurts.
    Love and prayers....

  6. Its nice to have the support of those on line and great to have the support of someone who understands in real life as well. I'm glad that you have found both.


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes