My friend Anne gave me the first outfit for the baby today. I got a little emotional when I saw it... I'm really pregnant! I think I'm still slightly in denial - maybe just unintentionally protecting my heart, I don't know. I held it up and looked at it and I hate to admit this, but my first thought was "where am I going to put this if I don't get to keep this baby?" I had to force myself into positive thinking and say "my baby is going to look so cute in this" which (s)he will! When I got home, I hung it on the same nail in the livingroom where I hung the first dress I bought Rachel, before I knew she was a girl or would soon die. That dress hung there for months. I think I will do the same with this outfit.
Anne & her husband Chris lost their daughter Rose to anencephaly and have a memorial fund in her name that they do all sorts of really good stuff with! Today she gave me another donation towards Rachel's playground. I think it's so cool that Rose's fund is helping build Rachel's playground! I feel so blessed to have a friend near by that I can hang out with that truly knows what I'm going through. We can exchange a look and know exactly how the other feels. All the other baby loss mamas I know I have to talk through email to, but we get to go get pedicures together and let our kids play together. Not only did we both lose our daughters, but both to anencephaly. I am so thankful to God for putting us together. I'm also thankful that we know that our girls are in heaven together, and they are whole there.
I was getting some stuff together for the next playground meeting on Monday and came across the book they gave us at the hospital that serves as a baby book, but has all the places to write about the baby's death. So sad... a baby book that says stuff like "time of your death" and "date of memorial service" and "what we did with your tiny body" - instead of things like "first smile", "what you like to eat" and "first tooth". There was a little poem and this is the 2nd time I've read it and cried so I guess it touches a spot somewhere. There are two little lambs on the bottom (her name means innocent lamb and she was buried with one) it says: