Friday, March 25, 2011

My God is the God Who Provides

I was feeling pretty good this morning.  Even though the situations feels very similar to Rachel, I still feel like everything is ok for some unknown reason.  I am hoping this is my intuition and not just peace in my heart (although if I'm wrong, I'll take the peace) :o)  I met with the nurse to go over my u/s results and they said they recommend a repeat u/s in 2 weeks.  They said in the meantime they could test my Hcg levels to make sure they are going up and not down.  If they are going down, that means I had a "missed miscarriage" if they are going up, everything is fine.  I may change my mind, but I think I'm going to decline that.  Yesterday I definitely wished I would have waited to go... I try to learn from my mistakes these days.  So, the recheck u/s should be scheduled for the 11th.  I have one for "fun" scheduled at Options for Women on Wednesday and I'm not sure what I should do about that.  Ultrasounds just don't seem to be fun anymore....

I went to visit Rachel today and when I pulled up, her flowers were all rearranged.  I was upset when I first saw it, but it appears that they tipped over and someone fixed them for me. (I'm not convinced the wind did it, but God had a purpose none the less)  Desirae jumped right out and came running back with the journal to see if anyone wrote in it. I looked and saw that Matt had left me & Rachel notes:
I read this and was already crying. There was also a card and a gift from Amanda who has left us things before there...It was a Noah's ark key ring and a little flower vase that says "hope" on it.  I am amazed by how loved I can feel at my daughter's grave...and it's been that way for 16 weeks now.  I am so grateful for that.  It is very hard to look at her tiny little square cut out and know her body is in there.  But I am blessed deeply almost weekly when I go.  Thank you all.  Last week Donna told me she went to visit and had to wait in line!!  She said come spring, there will probably be a traffic jam down there :o) and there were a few notes too which was really nice to see. 

I looked over and saw that when one of the baskets fell over, the rocks used to weigh it down had spilt out and were in a pile on the corner of her grave.  I went to pick them up and stopped... I remembered the story of Joshua and the rock pile.  We have a small version of that in our house.  They handed rocks out after a sermon one Sunday last year.  I put them in a little pile as a symbol of how God provides for us. 

There was a cross cut out of the top of Rachel's casket that we were able to keep so we have a piece of it with us.  Normally they put the person's name on it, but her cross was too little so they sent me an bigger one with her name.  I put it in the middle of our rock pile to always remember what God did for us through her; how He prepared us and provided for us.
the little angel says her name and the willow tree's balloon says "hope"
I stood there looking at her little grave crying... I found myself shaking my head in disbelief... It can't be real.  I can't believe I watched my daughter die.  16 weeks later, my heart is still broken.  I looked at the rocks again... and decided to leave them there.
Joshua 4:20-24
And Joshua set up at Gilgal the twelve stones they had taken out of the Jordan. He said to the Israelites, “In the future when your descendants ask their parents, ‘What do these stones mean?’  tell them, ‘Israel crossed the Jordan on dry ground.’ For the LORD your God dried up the Jordan before you until you had crossed over. The LORD your God did to the Jordan what he had done to the Red Sea when he dried it up before us until we had crossed over. He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the LORD is powerful and so that you might always fear the LORD your God.”

The river looked uncrossable.  But the battle was not theirs.  God went before them and made it possible for them to cross... and they left a pile of stones to show everyone what God had done. 
I think these rocks were exactly what I needed to see today as I continue to grieve losing my girl and wait to find out what will happen with this baby.  God knew I would notice...It's like He was telling me that the battle is not mine.  I told a friend yesterday that I just wished God would give me a clear answer on what to do.  My answer continues to be "Trust Me, I AM the God Who provides". 


  1. Love the rocks.
    Still praying...

  2. I love all the journal and the little flower vase with hope on it :)


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes