Thursday, March 24, 2011

From my experience...

Right before I pulled into the parking lot for my ultrasound, the song "I will praise You in this storm" came on the radio.  I was early for my appt (a sure sign that I'm nervous) and so I sat to listen to it... I felt kind of numb.  I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was supposed to hear that song right then.  I had a bad feeling that the baby wasn't going to measure "correctly" and I seriously thought about leaving.  When that song got over, "Falling apart" came on.  I hear that song frequently on my way to or from visiting Rachel.  I started crying.  I sat there in the parking lot for about 10-15 minutes, crying.  So much for being early.

It had been snowing all day (so much for that 55 degree weather we had!) But the snow was strange.  It looked like cotton balls torn up and was swirling around instead of falling.  It looked fake.  I sat there staring at it while I cried.  I cried about Rachel, I cried about how afraid I was.  By the time I went it, I was already well on my way to an emotional breakdown.  Matt didn't make it... My sister was supposed to come and didn't show up (I found out after that she went to the wrong hospital!)  And so there I was...alone again.

I walked in and, what do ya know...daisies on the counter....I gave her my name and looked at the desk...daisies on her wrist support.  I sat down and started reading a story about some celebrity that had a baby girl and all of a sudden the nurse abruptly called a name... "Rachel?"  I jumped and literally gasped...and started crying again.  I was a mess.  I felt like I was in the middle of a serious spiritual attack.

They finally called me in and I made her wait while I tried to call my sister another 3 times...I finally surrendered and got on the table.  I remember a day when ultrasounds used to be fun!  But my experience tells me they are something to fear.

Within a few minutes I heard it...  I'm measuring smaller than I thought I should.  So, she tried the internal...same thing.  My yolk sac was small and she couldn't see the baby.  She just kept saying "I'm sorry I don't have better news for you" over and over.  And then the famous last words... "maybe you ovulated late."

Yep, that did it for me... I had the EXACT same experience with Rachel. "Too small to see, but don't worry, you must have ovulated late."  I know everyone thinks I don't know my body, but I know it better than they do and I know I didn't ovulate 6 days late. That makes no sense, I'm too regular for that and it would have been near impossible to get a positive test when I did if that was the case.

So, now what?  Wait to find out...  Great, just what I'm good at!  Can God just give me a break? 

So what does this mean?  Well, the hard part is it could mean 3 things:

I ovulated later than usual and the baby is fine, but really just too small to see
I am going to miscarry
I will have another anencephalic baby.

Doesn't really narrow it down, does it?  I wish I never went in.  I should have trusted my intuition and waited.  It's not like knowing anything earlier does anything for me except stress me out.  but as I just wrote those 'options' out I realized that I'm really not in any different of a situation than I was when I walked in there.  I knew all three of those were possibilities before I ever got pregnant.  I miss the days when I only thought the 1st one would happen to me.

I cried for a good hour after I left.  It's easy to say that everything will be fine and that I just need to not worry, but it's not realistic.  I know it really could mean nothing, but I don't have an experience in my life that tells me that... my only experience with this, says it's bad news.  I'm praying I will be adding a different experience to my resume this time. 

The nurse told me they see this all the time at 5-6 weeks ( I guess I had counted wrong and I am really only 6 weeks, not 7) But, (s)he is measuring just over 5 weeks.  The exact number of days I was off with Rachel.  I don't think they are lying, I believe that happens, but what I know from my experience is that the doctor told me that it was "normal" and later when I requested my ultrasound report for Maine Med, it said on it "possible complications not ruled out, patient should be closely monitored"  I guess they didn't think I needed to know that.  I guess they also decided against closely monitoring me.  But hey, they are the doctors... I'm just the mama.

For tonight, this mama is still carrying a baby.  I feel at peace, even though I'm not happy with this situation  I'm praying...begging God... to let me keep my baby and hoping that this time, the doctor is right.

My confession:  I think I lied when I said I would take another anencephalic baby any day.  I LOVE Rachel and she was AMAZING... but I don't want another anencephalic baby.  I don't want to wait another 9 months to hold my baby and watch her die.  I don't want to plan another funeral.  I don't want to add another name to Rachel's headstone. I don't even want to build another memorial playground.  I feel bad saying it cause Rachel changed me forever and I am so grateful to have known her and I have no regrets about my journey with her.  But I don't want to ever go through that again.  And I hate the fact that after an ultrasound, a time that should be joyous, all those things go through my mind. 

All that being said, from my matter what happens, God will carry me and I will be ok.  Please pray for our baby.


  1. Surrounding you and the baby in prayer...praying against any and all fears and that the next ultrasound would prove to be a new and joyous experience!

  2. Prayers for you and your baby.

  3. Oh, Stacy - I'm so sorry things didn't "look" perfect today. I'm praying that everything will turn out just fine and that this baby will get to stay. Sending you BIG HUGS! I know from experience how hard it is to wait to see a healthy baby on the sono. We just had our 16 week sono and saw a round head and all the organs where they should be. But a part of me still keeps holding my breath. Trying to just trust in God's goodness and His plan for our family.

    Kara - Karinne's mommy - 5/10/2010

  4. i'm praying for you and your precious baby.

  5. i'm praying for you and your precious baby.

  6. I'm praying for you Stacy and the little life inside you. May God bless that baby and make he/she grow to be strong and healthy.

  7. Im praying for you that everything turns out amazing!!

  8. Dear Stacy and family, you are always in my mind and I will keep praying for you! At least God knows what it's all about... Much love, anja

  9. Dearest Lord God,
    Be with Stacy. Give her your peace. Help her to be able to Be Still in your presence and wait for your word. We love you and know in our mind that you are in control, sometimes it just take s awile for our heart to come to grips with that. Amen

    One more thing... as you said before "don't miss it twice" enjoy the now. Matthew 6:27


  10. Stacy,
    I am so sorry that yesterday went so bad and that you felt so alone! I will be praying for you and the baby! You are right, God will carry you no matter what.Sending hugs.
    Love you, Chrissy

  11. Sending you hugs all the way from England. You are in our prayers. Love you loads Debby and girls

  12. Ok, so I'm at work and I can't stop crying...

    I know God is going to take care of it all. He sent daisies and her name to remind you of how he has blessed you and will not abandon you. I am so sorry that things did not go as you wanted yesterday and I am praying for the health of your baby knowing full well God is the only healer who has a clue what is going on!! He is in control. He has a plan to bless you and this child...

    Hugs and prayers without end sweet friend!

  13. Surrounding you with prayer Stacy - let it be God's will that the miraculous will be done in your womb.

  14. I'm so sorry that your ultrasound appt didn't go well. I am praying for you and your unborn baby. I know that this has to be very difficult for you...but GOD IS IN CONTROL! HE has it all worked out.

  15. I'm so sorry for your heartache Stac. I am praying for you and the baby.

  16. Continuting to pray for you & your sweet baby!



  17. I am so sorry you didn't get news you could rejoice over yesterday. I am praying you will get awesome news at your next appointment. You and baby are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. Love you!!

  18. Praying for God to wrap His loving arms around you! Also, for Him to take your worries and fears away and cover you with peace and calmness.

  19. Praying God wraps His loving arms around you and gives you peace and comfort.

  20. God will give you the love for this baby that He has given you for all 5 of your precious children.


  21. I love you and your little bundle of baby. If you need to vent you know where I am.

  22. I read your post last night but couldn't think of the right words to say so I didn't comment. Well, I still can't think of the right words to say, but I just want you to know that i am thinking of you and your little one and praying that everything will turn out OK. Huge hugs to you!

  23. Praying continuously for you Stacy.

  24. Im sorry hun for all that you must be feeling now since the US. My prayers are w/ you and your baby.

  25. Thinking of you and praying for you and the baby. *hugs*


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes