He Wishes We Knew

Another Friday... 15 weeks without Rachel.  Some amazing things that happened today.

Let's start with the last couple of days actually... we got another $363 in donations for Rachel's Playground...thank you!!  We also got a commitment from a decking company for a huge discount on some materials. Then my mom told an old friend of hers about the playground and he wrote out a check for $150 today.

This morning, Kelli from Learning Structures came over to bring me the master materials list (it was a push for them to get it done so quickly, but I needed it for Monday's meeting!)  While she was here, she showed me the list of special order items that we have to get directly from them and told me that they plan on giving us all of them at cost and will try to get some donated!  Another huge savings!   God is providing!!

I was bringing Des to Tri-City Christian academy for testing.  I have been nervous that I'm failing her (anyone relate?) this year and wanted to check where she is at academically so I would know what we needed to work on before the end of the year.  They offered to give her a placement test for me.  On the way I heard a song by Third Day called Love Song.  The lyrics reminded me of Rachel so I decided I'd put it on my blog when I got home...  I'll get back to this.

I dropped Des off and the boys & I went to visit Rachel.  I had wondered if all this "waiting for spring" was going to leave me wanting.  I thought there was a possibility it could be one of those "I will feel better when ___ happens" and it be wrong.  Well, I was right.  It felt SO much better being there with the warm sun (It's in the 50's today!) and the snow is almost gone.  My wonderful mother had brought a spring looking flower arrangement, a solar light and a "think spring" sign and since the ground isn't frozen anymore, I was able to rearrange everything and make it look just right.  I have decided that I hate frozen ground.  But I will win the battle next year - I'm putting everything in early!
 

We picked Des up and apparently I could take the next few years off!  Not only is she not behind, but she tested at almost 8th grade for reading, 4th grade for general knowledge, 5th grade for math (this is the subject I was most worried about!) and 6h grade for spelling.  Her overall grade average was 5th year, 7th month.  She is technically in 3rd, but she skipped 1st so for her age, that is really good.  We are praising God for this gift.  I have been beating myself up for a couple months now cause I thought that with everything going on, I wasn't doing good homeschooling her...  God has it covered!!  And she has also learned some invaluable life lessons.  This is one of the days where I know why I homeschool. 

We got home and I decided to put the love song on my blog...  I looked up the lyrics and read them while I listened to it to make sure it applied.  I did not expect what happened...  Here are the lyrics, listen to the song playing as you read (click on home to restart music)

Third Day - Love Song



I've heard it said that a man would climb a mountain
Just to be with the one he loves.
How many times has he broken that promise
It has never been done.
I've never climbed the highest mountain,
But I walked the hill of Calvary.

[Chorus]
Just to be with you, I will do anything
There's no price I would not pay no
Just to be with you, I would give everything
I would give my life away.

[2nd Verse]
I've heard it said that a man would swim the ocean
Just to be with the one he loves
All of those dreams are an empty motion.
It can never be done.
I've never swam the deepest ocean,
But I walked upon the raging sea.

[Repeat Chorus]
Just to be with you, I will do anything
There's no price I would not pay no
Just to be with you, I would give everything
I would give my life away.

[Bridge]
I know that you don't understand
the fullness of My love.
How I died upon the cross for your sins.
And I know that you don't realize
how much that I give you
But I promise, I would do it all again.

Just to be with you, I've done everything
There's no price I did not pay no
Just to be with you, I gave everything
Yes, I gave my life away.
Just to be with you.

How many times I have you heard me say " I wish she knew"?  My greatest desire is for that little girl to know how much I love her, exactly how she is.  To know all I sacrificed for her willingly.  To know I gave my all and I would do it all again because I love her with an everlasting love and will continue my faithfulness to her. (Jer.31:3) 
These are the things that I was thinking of when I listened to the song... at first.  But in the back of my mind, I figured that Third Day was saying that he would do anything to be with God...

Then I looked closer...  and when it dawned on me what the song was actually about, I started crying.  It happened at about the Bridge... "I know you don't understand the fullness of my love"...  This song was written as if God is talking to US. 

He would do ANYTHING for me.  I don't understand the fullness of His love.  He died on the cross, just to be with me!  He would do it all again... And He wishes I knew.  Probably way more so than I could ever wish Rachel knew about my love for her. (and His love is so much greater too!)   Because she has God now.  I know she is in good hands and is well cared for....without God, we have nothing and He knows it. 

I understand the heaviness that comes with the feeling of "she doesn't know...I wish she knew".  I can only imagine how God feels when he looks at his daughters (and sons), knowing how much He loves us and what He gave to be with us, and thinks "she doesn't know... I wish she knew." 

He wishes you knew.

Listen to the song again... do you believe it?

It's true.  He gave everything and would do it all again. For me.  For Rachel.  For you.  To be with you.

Which Old Wife is Lying?

Which old wives made up all the tales? 
Well, there are a few for determining if you're having a boy or a girl...one of which has been right on me the last two babies.  It's the ring one where you tie your wedding ring on a string and hold it above your belly.  If it goes one way it means girl, the other way means boy.

So, we tried it out. The answer?  Well, we weren't sure at first, it appeared to go one way and then the other a couple of times.  Matt said "it's confused"  and Des blurted out "maybe we're having a boy and a girl!"  (Isaiah has insisted I have a boy and a girl in my belly all week!)  But, eventually the ring trick settled on... Girl!

Another old wives tale says that if you crave sweets, it's a girl.  If you crave salty or sour things, boy.  I would say that this has been true with my four babies 2 girls, all chocolate... 2 boys, sour candy.  I am surprised by a strong food preference this early, but I have been eating a ham, cheese, pickles & mayo sandwhich every day.  I even skipped dinner and went to the store to get ham and pickles the other night because that was ALL I wanted (side note: I have never craved pickles before, I thought that happened in the movies!)  So, this points to... Boy!

But then I realized that as soon as I finished, I wanted a piece of chocolate and I thought, hmmm... even the food trick is confused...  do I want sweet or salty??  Or BOTH..... A boy and a girl! :o)

I will admit that I bought a cute little pink jacket before I even got a pregnancy test.  (I knew I was pregnant much before I missed my period- heartburn gives it away every time!) It was on clearance and I couldn't resist.  If the salty foods are right and the ring trick wrong, I'll give the coat to Hattie this fall. :o)  If the salty foods are wrong and the ring trick right, I'll put it on our new baby next fall.  If Isaiah and Des are right and the confusion is due to twins, I'll have to go buy a matching jacket in blue :o)

Some day when I'm an old wife, I'm gonna make up some fun stuff to keep people amused.  Until then, I'll stick to my intuition and guess....Girl. 
I've got a 50% chance of being right.  I pray we keep him or her long enough to find out. And regardless, we will be SO happy to have and hold a new baby(s) in our family.

This is starting to feel real...

My Joy, My Sorrow, My Blessing

The greatest joy I've ever felt is that of being a mother.  Two pink lines, 9 months and a delivery, followed by those irreplaceable first days and weeks of getting to know each other.  Lots of snuggling and too little sleep.  That is the good stuff.

The greatest sorrow I've ever felt is that of being a mother.  Two pink lines, 9 months and a delivery, followed by empty arms, an empty cradle, no snuggling and plenty of sleep.

The greatest perplexity I've ever felt is that of being a mother with 4 pink lines, 18 months and 2 deliveries, 1 baby and a grave (with a pretty headstone, eventually).  All the while being really tired and unable to sleep.  Really sad and unable to cry.  Really happy and unable to smile. 

I know I have many more hard days ahead of me.  I know I have many good days ahead of me.  I'm just not sure I know how to do both at the same time. 

But I wouldn't change a thing.

A blog friend, Becky sent me a song that I hope you have time to listen to.  It really spoke to my heart today.  One of the lines talks about doubting God's goodness, which was what one of my posts I never published the other day was titled.  ("coincidence!")

Pause music player way at bottom of blog before playing!

So, what if the trials of this life are His blessings in disguise? Well, then I think technically, that would make my greatest sorrow also my greatest joy. The time when I knew Him like never before.

John 16:20-22

Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. ²¹ A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. ²² So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy

It doesn't just mean that eventually our sorrow is replaced by a different joy... it means it's TURNED INTO JOY.  Meaning that the same thing that caused us sorrow, will be the thing that brings us joy.

I definitely think Rachel fits that description.  My joy.

Blessings in disguise.  That is exactly what I needed to hear right now. 
Thank You, Lord.
If you can't watch video, click here for lyrics
And its 12:03 again.... I miss her....

this, that, and something else...

Well, as you can tell, I've been short of words for a few days... I actually wrote 2 posts last night and didn't publish them cause they were a mess.  I have a wide variety of emotions these days... from still grieving Rachel, to celebrating our new baby... from excitement over the playground, to the overwhelming nature of a big project like this... being tired while running around 24/7 with my other 3 energetic children...

I feel like I'm going in a 1000 directions...

So, the big "bomb" today is that I got the scheduled budget for the playground with the fencing, swings, and ground cover and it is quite a bit higher than expected.  (let me just say it's still MUCH lower than it should cost, but Learning Structures is literally donating around $20,000 in their services and materials. None of this would be close to possible without them)  I know that we will get donations of materials and some discounted materials from different companies, but we are over $11,000 off if I want the swings and close to $9,000 off if I go without them.  Unfortunately, the swings were my big request in the beginning of all this.  I don't want to sound ungrateful, because I have been so blessed to see how many people responded to Rachel's obituary and how many people came to her shower and donated even back then. (October)  I have almost $5,000 before any fundraising and that is such a blessing!  We are only able to do one fundraiser at the church and it's not scheduled until April 10, which feels really late to be doing our only fundraiser.  Please pray with us that as we work our way through these next 6 1/2 weeks, that people will be generous with their prices on materials and that God will pull this all together.  I know He can.  I'm sure He's already working on that.

This is where the determination He gave me helps me cause I think I could very easily get discouraged right now.  I'm a pregnant, newly grieving, broke mother trying to build an expensive playground for my daughter.  Hmmm...  yeah, I feel a little crazy.  But the one thing I know about me is that when I set my mind on something, I see it through.  I told Rachel I would build her a playground.... and she's getting one.  I always keep my word.  I serve an awesome God and I believe He has His hand in this.  He has pulled these pieces together until now, and I need to trust He will continue to do so.

Today at music, I started a new song... "I will" by the Beatles... "Love you forever and forever, love you with all my heart, love you whenever we're together, love you when we're apart"  It's a love song... and all I could think of was Rachel...  "If you want me to, I will...."  I will do anything for her.  I would then, and I will now.

Sometimes my heart yearns so bad to do amazing things for her that it can be such a lonely place.  While I have lots of people who are supportive and who want to help... and I know I'm not alone (on the outside), my heart is.  My heart alone aches for her to be recognized... for this playground to be hers... for everyone who steps foot on it to think of her.  My heart wants everyone to be supportive of it and excited for it cause to me, it means they are supportive and excited about Rachel.  And it's just not the way it is.  Some people aren't happy about it at all, or their just disinterested...some people are looking forward to just a playground... and some think it's for other kids...  which I guess, technically, it is.  But in my heart... it's for Rachel.  She may never step foot on it, but every time me, Matt or her sister(s)? and brothers do...she will be there in our hearts.  Is it foolish of me to want everyone else to feel the same?  What difference does it make anyhow?  Nothing will bring her back.  Nothing will stop my heart from hurting.  The people who are unhappy are unhappy with everything I do.  The disinterested ones, are disinterested with everything I do.  I can't change people.  Heck, I can't even change myself.  I haven't made it a day yet since last Wedneday that I haven't heard a swear come out of my mouth... I know, I'm a bad Chirstian.

Did you just judge me?? That's much better than swearing...(at least nobody can see that.)

eek...sarcasm...sorry!   It's not going to get any better with hormones I hate to say.  I'll work on that... and if that fails, I'll hide in the house for 9 months. :o)  seriously.  This is where my mother would tell me "Stacy, you've lost your filter"  that's code for: "shut up your hormones are talking."

See what I mean about my posts being messy...  I'm all over the place, and this is the edited version.  I guess maybe it's a good thing that I haven't worked on my book this week!  sigh.

Bear with me... I'll be back to my usual someday.... (notice I didn't say "normal"?) But if I wait for that to happen, I might never post again cause I just almost deleted this one too! 

I guess it's a good thing we're building an ark, cause with all this "rain", I'm gonna need one. 

I'm missing my girl...and it still hurts like crazy.

Who says jewelry is just for looks?

One of the women who follows my blog, Kami, has a Lia Sopia business and has graciously offered to donate ALL of the profit of any order placed under Rachel's name to help build her playground! 

 Click Here to see online catalog and make sure that it says Rachel Aube as Hostess. 

Also, anyone who places an order will have their names go into a drawing that will only include Rachel's supporters, to win a free necklace and set of earrings. The last day for orders will be on April 27th.

The special for this month is: purchase any 2 items at regular price get your 3rd most expensive item at half price.  When you utilize this special, you can also order an additional 3 items at 1/2 price!

Enjoy!!

Good Mama

Rachel's stone is being shipped from India and is in route somewhere... It will be set in May sometime.  And you know me, we'll have a celebration!!  I sent the final OK in for the inscription last week.

We went after church to get her grave fixed up.  I was sad to see that 2 of the gifts that people left her had broken. I took most of the stuff home to make sure nothing else does...and cause it was starting to look cluttered.  I can't wait for her to have her stone.  I also took down the winter arrangement I made her, but I didn't have anything to replace it with yet :o(   So I just propped up her daisies and tulips in the basket.  It looks ok, I guess.  I want it to look more than ok though.

This winter has worn on me.  I'm so glad spring is on its way... but today, Des stepped on the ground above where Rachel is and her foot sunk in 6 inches.  I thought I was going to pass out and she wasn't too pleased either.  This is all just so hard.  I miss the days of innocence when I had no idea I would be spending my time caring for my baby at a graveyard.  Matt told me "you're a good Mama" as he watched me try to make it look pretty...  oh, how I wish he was saying that cause I just gave her a bath and combed her hair.

I guess "good Mama's" just do whatever has to be done.  She doesn't need a bath, she needs a pretty grave.

HE IS

I'm assuming you guys prayed for my neck??  I feel pretty close to 100% better today.  Thank you!

We had Samuel's birthday party today.  He is getting so big. I didn't really feel ready to have a party yet, but it was really nice.  He had a great time and we got showered with gifts too, in celebration of the new baby.

I was looking through Rachel's pictures today and the reality of what happened hit me.  That happened the other day too.  I was telling Denise when we were on our way out for dinner that sometimes I think about it all and none of it seems real.  I told her I think about Rachel and it doesn't feel like it could be real... did I really have a baby without the top of her head??  I think about the new baby and it doesn't feel like it could be real... will I really have a baby at the end of this pregnancy??  And no sooner did I say "None of it feels real", I looked at her clock in her car and on it, it says "I AM"

HE IS

He is real, He is in control, and He is with me.

Redefining Me

Wow...14 weeks.  I miss her. 

My neck and back are severely messed up right now.  I've been wearing my neck brace, but it only seems to be getting worse.  This happened in the beginning of my pregnancy with Rachel and Sam too.  I guess it's a good way to slow me down cause it hurts!  When I woke up, I could hardly move so I decided that my only goal for the day would be homeschool and nothing else.

Then I realized it is Friday.

There was no way I could ditch out on my girl on Friday.  The fact that I just found out I'm pregnant accentuated my "I have to go" feeling.  So, I packed the kids in the van with help from my big girl and we ran down to the cemetery.  It was POURING today.  When I pulled up, I could see the outline of the exact spot where she was buried.  That spot was way more muddy than the rest cause it's new dirt.  My stomach turned.  I only had a minute to visit (literally) so I grabbed the dead flowers and tried to take the stuffed animal my sister left... I was pulling on it when I saw a huge grub looking bug on it.  I hate bugs.  I knocked it off and then (this is when I looked and felt crazy) I tried to kill it with my boot in the mud... all it did was sink lower... I kept at it cause I WAS NOT letting that gross bug go into the ground where my daughter is...

And then I realized... it's not the only one down there.

I had to leave the stuffed animal there cause my sister did way too good of a job tying it onto her marker... but I left really upset....swearing even. (I'm trying to tame my tongue for Lent)  sigh.  It felt like an emergency that we remove this toy from her grave.  My heart just can't handle the thought.  I spend 1/2 my gardening time killing gross little grubs we get in our yard.  They are disgusting and I have no idea why God created them.  And as soon as it's barely warm enough to have bugs at all... they're attacking her stuffed animal?  What the heck? 

I got the design for the playground today... it's awesome!  I can hardly believe it's happening.  There are a couple minor changes to be made and we'll be able to start working on gathering the materials.  I can't wait to see this finished.  I know I always say this and somebody inevitably tells me "she does", but... I wish she knew.  I wish she knew about the things we're doing to keep her memory alive.  I wish she knew to what lengths I would go to care for her and protect her.  I can feel slightly crazy at times since after all, she is dead... but she is my daughter and I take my Mama role seriously - even after death.  I wish she knew.

And then we have the new baby...  What I'm realizing is that my idea of what it means to be pregnant isn't what it used to be.  When I had Desirae and Isaiah I thought that you decided you wanted to have a baby, you got pregnant that month and you had a healthy baby at home with you 9 months later.  After my miscarriage, I thought that getting pregnant meant you got to keep the baby if you made it past the 3 month mark... and now, well, getting pregnant only means I'm pregnant.  I have a hard time believing that I will be holding a new baby that I can keep in November.  I'm not filled with worry right now or even anxious at all, but I am struggling to say "we're going to have a baby"  because the truth is, I don't believe it yet.

I will say that because of Rachel, I am already loving this baby more than I have any of my children this early on.  She made me a better mom.  I find myself talking to the baby regularly without thinking twice and I also caught myself about 10 times today begging God not to take this baby...Please God let me keep this baby.  I think this is a time in my pregnancies that I always took for granted.  If only I knew that every second mattered... and that is why it says next to Rachel's name "our 2nd daughter, who taught us to love every second of life"  because she truly redefined so many things for us...  she redefined pregnancy, love, hope, life, death, heartache.  She redefined beauty, loyalty, selflessness.  She redefined what is important.  She changed my view on cemeteries, hospitals, funeral homes.  She changed me.

I remember before we found out she had anencephaly, my friend Kim came over and I had a breakdown while doing dishes saying "I don't know what I'm doing having all these kids"  I was at the end of my rope with them and feeling totally inadequate for the job.  Well, I know now what I'm doing "having all these kids"... I'm learning the true definition to so many things.  It's not always easy and I mess up daily... but I am changing...one child at a time... into more of who God wants me to be.  Through them, He is redefining me.

Again, I say REJOICE!!

This post might be all over the place, bear with me...

Yesterday was ash Wednesday and our church had a Lenten service, which was awesome.  At the beginning, the pastor said "we all come from dust and to dust we will return" (Genesis 3:19)

One of the songs we sang says "Jesus conquered the grave"

I can't help but hear these things and not think of Rachel.  She is in the ground, her body returning to dust, but Jesus conquered the grave; His own and Rachel's.  And I am so grateful for both truths.

On the way out, I stopped to give my friend Kyla a hug... she said "I think about you every day" and I said "I'm pregnant"...  at which point, I started crying and then we both started giggling like kids.  She said "I don't know why I'm laughing" and I said "I don't know either"

Yes, you heard me right, I'm pregnant.   And so, I wondered.... how should I handle this?  Should I tell people or wait?  Do I blog it?  Do I tell my mom and make her worry for a few months...  would it be better for everyone else if I just kept it to myself until we knew the baby would live?

Well, I think that would go against everything I believe in... I believe that EVERY life is important and a reason to rejoice.  I believe that God is in control.  I believe that He is with me.  I believe that no matter how long I get to spend with this baby on earth, it will always be my baby.  I believe that this baby has a soul.  I believe that it is a gift from God and I believe it is worth celebrating and telling the world about.

I'm Pregnant!!  It is very brand new news... my "due date" for this precious baby is November 16.  I am excited to have another birthday to clebrate in our already crazy busy holiday season!  Let's see... we will have:

@ Nov 16 - Baby #6
Nov. 26 - Isaiah
Dec 3 - Rachel
Jan 3 - Desirae
Mar 6 - Sam

With Thanksgiving and Christmas mixed in there! :o) 
Isaiah was our "honeymoon baby".  I got pregnant with him the within a month of getting married.  When we went away for our anniversary, we bought a sign to hang next to Rachel's flowers in the garden this spring... and also to hang on my belly should I end up pregnant that month!

Please pray that this baby will grow to be a strong healthy little boy or girl that we can take home with us from the hospital and keep for years to come!!  I know at this point, his/her head is already open or closed... I know it was decided before I ever got a pregnancy symptom how long (s)he will be with us.  I trust that God knows best for me.  I am hopeful that everything is ok. 

I had a "feeling" something was "wrong" (I hate that word, cause she was perfect) with Rachel from the very first day I knew I was pregnant and it never went away.  I had 3 dreams that the u/s tech told me she was dead before we knew anything was wrong. Throughout all my appt's, when the dr's told me everything was fine, I couldn't shake that I didn't think so...and my fears were confirmed on Aug 4.

So, I sit here today, trying to not let my past pain tell me what lies in my future.  I do not want to miss this baby twice.  I want to celebrate while we can and hope that we will always be able to.  But if not, I know that God is with us. 

Desirae is always the first person to know I'm pregnant... except with Rachel cause Matt & I were away. And with Rachel, because I was unsettled, I waited a while to tell her.  I had wondered before if when I got pregnant again, I would tell her before we knew what was going on... well, I called her right in and she looked at the test and said "are you pregnant?!"  I asked if she saw one or two lines... "two, does that mean your pregnant?!"  I smiled and she started jumping up and down yelling "you're pregnant, you're pregnant!"  I talked to her tonight and asked "you know that just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean we will have another baby, right?"  She nodded and gave me a hug...  "But no matter what happens, we will be ok because God will be with us" I reminded her.

That is my rainbow... 

God will be with us. 

I never dreamed I would ever be able to teach my little girl how to lean and depend on God to such a deep level.  She is learning right along with me. She knows that having God does not mean nothing bad will ever happen, but that we trust Him with everything.  Thank You Jesus, for the opportunity to help her learn this.  I am sure this is preparing her for something in her life as well. 

I brought Des out last night to get her some new pants cause she had a growth spurt (anyone know why this happens right after you buy them a wardrobe??)  and while we were at TJ Maxx, I saw two mugs that had flowers on them... I looked closer...  "Celebrate Life" they said.  I bought them and left them with the test and a card for Matt on the counter this morning.  We could both get really nervous if we allowed ourselves to.  We are choosing to celebrate this life!

When I woke up this morning, there was a light snow falling... just like the one that did on Rachel's birthday.  There are so many things that remind me of her.  I'm glad I'm a details person cause noticing all the details has helped me to always feel like she is still a part of everything I do.  The flowers on these mugs have "Rachel" all over them.  Every time I use one, I will think of both of these precious babies.

I'm not moving beyond her... I'm moving forward with her... and closer to her.

Rachel is officially a big sister.  I hadn't thought about it before, but she is in heaven with her big sister or brother.  I wonder if they know each other....

I told you I would be scattered...  could you all just please pray for us?  Pray that this baby will continue to grow whole and stay with us and that God will protect our minds and hearts from fear and worry... and that no matter what, we will feel Him with us.

I'm now a mother of 6.  Hard to believe.  Honored to have the title of Mama to these children.

When the pastor said "from dust to dust" last night, I thought about the depth of that statement.  Life, death and eternal life... Where we come from and where we're going when we leave this earth.  Last night, on the first day of Lent, I rejoiced and mourned this truth.  I mourn that Rachel's body is in the ground.  I rejoice that she didn't stay there with it.  I mourned that Jesus died on the cross.  I rejoice that He has victory over death.  And for now, with this baby.... I just rejoice.  I think that's why Kyla & I were giggling....

Please Pray

There is a lady named Melanie who is pregnant and scheduled to meet her baby with anencephaly on Wednesday.  Please pray for her and ask others to as well. 

Hi My Name Is:

OK, this has been on my heart for a while...  Through this journey with Rachel, I have been contacted by some of the most precious people I have ever known.  I have developed friendships with people across the world and have come to love these people...and their babies and children, who are playing with Rachel right now. 

Because I get so many emails and facebook messages from so many different people who have had losses, I am struggling to remember everything I want to.  I also feel really bad when I forget a detail that I should remember.

So, here's what I'm asking...of even the people I talk to regularly....If you're comfortable doing this, could you please comment and write:

• your name
• your baby or child's name
• and their birthday and day you said goodbye
• If you're carrying a baby that has been diagnosed with a fatal birth defect, please tell us their name and their due date, along with what they have.

This way I can be praying for you as well as rejoicing with you at those times.  I am by nature a date person...  I remember dates from almost everything and since that's important to me, I like to do that for others as well.  I have been falling short because there are so many. 

The fact that there are too many to remember breaks my heart.  I have been in tears daily at my computer reading yet another story of someone who lost a child.  Usually it is babies, but today it was a 6 year old and a 16 year old.  I am ashamed at how clueless I was to this reality before Rachel.  This post from months ago says something similar.  It's an area that God has really given me a heart for. 

Even in the case of abortion.  I've heard people say that after they lost a baby, they got angry about people who have abortions.  I don't feel that way... I actually feel more sad for them.  I know the pain of having a baby ripped from me...I can't imagine an abortion feels any better whether the baby was planned or not.  Mothers are not meant to have empty arms.  The number of people affected by miscarriage, infant loss, and the death of a child is huge. And if we add abortion to that list, because it is a loss of a baby, it goes much higher. We all take life for granted....until we lose one.

Anyway, I could go on and on and I don't think it would ever really do how I feel justice.  Please take a minute and help me not only make a list for myself that will help me remember you...but that will also raise awareness for the losses we have experienced.

I'll go first.

My name is Stacy
I lost a baby to miscarriage on May 7, 2008.  I had my daughter Rachel Alice on December 3, 2010 and lost her that day to anencephaly.  She lived 43 minutes.

That's it...  now it's your turn....

Just me

I just went to look at my visitors for today and it said "1"... I thought, that can't be right...and looked at the time.  12:03. 
12-3 is Rachel's Birthday and the "1" it was counting was me... just me.  I wish when me & Rachel showed up at the same time, the count was "2"

but it's just me.... 

Valley of Weeping

This weekend we had some warmer days and a bunch of rain... and today I looked outside and saw a chair, a hotwheels bike, and a big wagon that have been buried under the snow in the yard for a couple months now!  Spring is on it's way!  I did hear from a friend who visited Rachel the other day that her spot is pretty muddy.  That would be because everything is melting so fast, and there isn't much snow at all on her grave, (thanks to Brent & Naomi shoveling for us all winter.) Unfortunately dirt+water=mud.  I hate to think what is happening under the ground where she is...but I do think about it.  I wonder stuff like "Is that vault keeping her casket dry?...is her blanket staying clean... can bugs get to her?" sigh.  my baby...

It's interesting the constant battle in my mind... I am SO eager for spring to come.  I want warm days, sunshine, green grass and flowers.  But every time I think "spring is coming", I feel a sense of sadness that Rachel's not coming with me into the spring.  It's hard to understand why something I want so bad can be exciting and bring hope and at the same time, make my heart heavy.  I guess that is how everything has been this entire journey.  To be honest, it sucks.  Every happy event, every ounce of joy, every smile on my face is followed by pain, sorrow, disappointment, emptiness....another confirmation that she is gone. But I am not without hope.  I need to remember that she IS NOT BEHIND me!  She is ahead of me.  When I get through my valley of weeping; through this earthly life full of pain, I will find her there waiting.  She probably won't realize how long it's felt like for me - cause right now, she is in a place of refreshing springs enjoying God and His love to the fullest mesure and worshiping at the feet of Jesus...probably in her dancing shoes.  I can't wait to watch her dance again. 
dance for Jesus pretty girl...

What joy for those whose strength comes from the LORD, who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs. The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings.

Psalm 84:5-6

Rachel Alive & AMelia

Okay,  To everyone who believes in them...here is a "coincidence" for you - I was totally unaware that THIS POST! existed on Melissa's blog...  Did you read my post the other day about my "typo"?  and in that post I mention Melissa...and how I had been talking to her on email that morning... Oh, and just a side note, her daughter Amelia was born on July 28 (my bday too) and was buried on Aug 4 (the day we found out about Rachel) She also happens to be one of the two people I know who chose to bury instead of cremate which is helpful for me to have to talk to about my struggles in that area....and she just gave me a link to a post she did in april 2010....that pretty much said the same exact thing I wrote just the other day.  check out her "typo" - Nothing happens in God's world by mistake.  I'm not sure why I can still get so excited over stuff like this cause I see Him do this stuff all the time...but each time it's as if I rediscover that He's real.  I love it.

GOD IS AMAZING!  How did I end up friends with someone across the country?  I'll tell you how Rachel Alive and AMelia... read the link - He never ceases to amaze me.  God is with us....and He reminds us every day.  Our little girls have given us so much, including friends who understand us like nobody else....typo's and all!

Or maybe it's just a coincidence that we both had major "typos" and it doesn't mean anything at all.  That's a good theory, too.

Her Name Will Be Spoken

Our first official meeting for Rachel's Playground went awesome!  We had a really good turnout.  There was about 35-40 people there who are dedicated to helping us build an Ark and a bunch of people who couldn't make it that plan on coming to the building days.  I feel kinda bad for Noah, he had to build his all by himself. :o(  It felt so good to have so many people there to support us and be excited with us.  We announced what our planned fundraisers are and they were well received and everyone seems to be getting more excited. Our kids were wearing their "big sister, big brother" shirts that they wore the day Rachel was born.  Today was also Sam's 2nd birthday.  I smiled watching him walk around in his big brother shirt.  He is still a big brother.  I wish he knew that his little sister was more than pictures and a handprint necklace... someday he will.  I wish she could have been here with us to sing Happy Birthday.

It has been a whirlwind of emotions today... excitement, joy, hope along with some sadness.  After the meeting when everyone left, I buried my head in Denise's shoulder and cried.  (Denise is my sidekick for the playground in case you didn't know)  "It's happening" she reassured me... Mostly they were "I can't believe this is really going to happen" tears...but with those, the reality of the fact that I am building a memorial for my daughter made me really sad.  I miss her so much.  I think the next two months of planning and organizing are going to be emotional for me. 

Denise comforted me, with her arm around me and tears in her eyes and said "People who don't know her will be speaking Rachel's name for years to come...it's amazing".  I nodded in agreement and cried some more. 

Her name will be spoken. 

I could picture a family coming to her playground and the mom reading the sign to the kids as they walk in - and saying her name. It makes my heart smile. I'm trying to figure out what the sign should say...how do I tell why the playground exists and who Rachel was in a few words.  It's taken me hundreds of long posts to get just a portion of what's in my heart for her out on my blog.  I'll take suggestions....(remember, extra letters = extra $)

On August 4th, after hearing Rachel would die, I had no idea that any good would come from this trial.  I knew I didn't plan to waste a second of her life...I knew that although I didn't want to do this, God had prepared me in advance... I knew I would do anything for my baby...I knew I loved her and would forever.  And I was determined that everyone else would know too.  When the last article came out, Matt said "I wonder how different it would have been if you did nothing? We would have missed the blessing" (just like Noah and his Ark!) All I can say is that God knew exactly what I would do long before I knew Rachel would exist.  I'm honored He chose me...I'm humbled He trusted me.  And I am blown away by the hundreds, maybe thousands of lives that have been changed through her life....

I'm sure today, all over the world, her name was spoken.

"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that, is a great gift."

~Elizabeth Edwards

 
Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who said "Rachel" to me this week; to everyone who told me how she changed your life, to everyone who told someone else about her.  Thank you for helping me make her memory live on. Thank you for speaking her name and helping me heal.

Don't Miss the Boat!

Our first meeting for Rachel's Playground will be tomorrow morning at Grace Community Church at 9:30.  If you are interested in helping us, please come find out how!  It will be a short meeting (maybe and hour) to inform everyone how we will do this in just 2 days, to delegate some of the jobs and to get this project going!  If you can come and want to join us beforehand for church, we'll be there at 8am and would be honored to have you.  (we sit in the far left section) If you can't be there, PLEASE pray for us!

I am more than excited about this memorial for our little girl.  If I can't bring her to a park with me, at least I can go to HER park!!  I can hardly believe this is really going to happen.  My vision started out as one swing hanging from a tree with a little marker that has her name on it.... girl's love swings...  and it has slowly become something so much greater with so much meaning.  I imagine the next 2 months will be emotional for me as we work our way toward May 7, when Rachel's Ark will be complete. 

I have loved you with an everlasting love, therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you

Jeremiah 31:3

Where Will She Sit?

I have had this continuous "typo" that happens to me... Every time I try to write Rachel Alice (including this time!) I always type Rachel Alive instead.  It continues to take my breath away every time I do it.  When it happened while I was pregnant, it was my reminder that she was still with me.  Now, it's my reminder that she is with Jesus... 

We went to the cemetery while Des was at Art class.  Sam fell asleep on the way and Isaiah ran around on top of the snow (it's hard now, but going down!!) while I read the notes people had left and wrote a bit myself.  Isaiah came over and said "I remember holding Rachel." and as we left said  "I need to go say bye to Rachel" and he walked over, stood directly above her and said "goodbye Rachel" and came back.  I said goodbye from where I was and he insisted I had to go stand above her to say it.  So I did.  As we got back in the van, he asked "Where will Rachel sit in the van when she comes out of her hole?"

My heart sank.

"She's not coming out" I explained. 

My mind immediately went back to the day we buried her.  Isaiah had started getting really upset saying "I don't want to leave Rachel here" and as we tried to help him understand something that we didn't even understand ourselves, my heart broke for my little boy.  Today, I was feeling that all over again.  I couldn't save Rachel and I can't save the others from the pain of losing her.  It's my job as their mother to protect them... and I can't.

He insisted on an answer... "when will she come out of her hole?"  I answered, "she died, remember?  Her soul is with Jesus, but her body is in the ground and it's not coming out 
my tears started flowing.

Just this morning, I had been emailing with a friend, Melissa, who lost her daughter Amelia Grace to anencephaly in July.  I had just told her that I still struggle to leave Rachel there and how it hurts to picture her under the ground. And as I wrote a little note to Rachel in the journal at her grave, I said the same thing "it breaks my heart to leave you here" 
And there I sat, trying to make a 4 year old feel good about something that I don't feel good about.

I realized that he probably thought that since she is in there, the only way she would hear us is if we were right on top of her.  It's always a learning experience when you learn of how your kids interpret something.  I didn't realize that he thought she was just there temporarily.  I mean, I guess technically she is.  But that's nothing we'll see this side of heaven.  He apparently thinks that one day we'll go there and drive home with her.  How I wish it were so.

When I was pregnant with Rachel, I used to talk to her a lot in the shower.  It was my daily routine.  Probably because it's the only time (usually) that I don't have kids requesting something from me.  I told her all the things I wanted her to know in the shower... how much I loved her, how amazing she was and the new things that had happened because of her, how proud I am to be her mom, how great her Daddy and sister & brothers are... even how to exfoliate and shave :o) Girls need to know these things...

Ironically, when I got in the shower this morning before we went to the cemetery, I "accidentally" started talking to her.  I think it happened out of my old habit, but that really is the first time I have talked to her when I wasn't standing above her grave.  I guess I have the same struggle Isaiah does...I think she's in there and I want her to come out.  Telling me "she" isn't really there does nothing for the physical connection that Mamas have with their babies.  This goes against everything in me.  My daughter is in a hole in the ground...even if "she" isn't. 

sigh.  It's so hard knowing that is never going to change. 

At the end of my email to Melissa this morning, I had my blog music playing in the background and just as I wrote something about wishing Rachel would have lived longer, I heard the line in the song that was on:
"Dance for Jesus...and live!"

She's not there.  She's alive with Jesus... Dancing eternally in His love.  That's better than riding in the van with us....for her.  But selfishly, I want to strap her in her car seat and take her to our home.

No Smoke in Here, Mom...

Funny story... when Matt & I were dating, breakfast was our thing...eggs, bacon, toast and coffee (and then we'd smoke butts...gross, but we liked it then)  When I was in jail and pregnant, all I wanted was a good home cooked breakfast.  The food there was awful.  One morning Matt picked me up for work release and brought me a hot breakfast...eggs, bacon, toast and Snapple..hold the butts. :o) I felt so loved.  Even though he forgot that his Snapple didn't have the cover on and shook it...all over me!  I went to work smelling like bacon and covered in Snapple.  Good times.

I got an email from a girl at church  that I don't know saying that she knows how hard it is to actually eat a hot breakfast when you're a mom and wanted to bring me some warm food on Friday morning to make my Rachel day easier.... and so it was...  I ate warm pecan honey buns (is that what they're called Jen?)  Anyway, they were delicious and warm and went great with my coffee, she didn't throw any Snapple at me and don't worry, I didn't smoke.

I felt so loved... thank you!! <3

Still Touching Hearts

Matt just walked through the door with flowers and a few newspapers in his hand...Check out Rachel's Latest Article
Just in time for her 3 month birthday.  I wish she knew.  I can't stop crying.... I'm so humbly proud to be her mother. (if that makes sense?)

7,889,231 Seconds... But Who's Counting?

March 3...

I just looked at my ticker and saw
"It's been 3 months since we said goodbye"
It's no surprise, I knew it...so why does it hurt so bad to see it in writing?  The truth is if I saw each second since we said goodbye written out, it would do the same thing.  There is not a moment in this life that my heart doesn't ache for my precious girl

3 short months ago we held in our arms
3 long months ago we watched her slip away.

Words can't express how much it hurts

STAND

Lessons in swimming, take 2...

I must admit that being in a big pool with three kids, who are all in different places, is a little worrisome at times.  Ironically enough, it doesn't stress me out.  I actually feel really calm and I think it is in part because I'm forced to slow down for over an hour.  I don't spend much time....EVER... doing nothing.  I'm not one to sit on the couch...it's kind of like torture for me.  Multi-tasking is my middle name.  But I find myself standing in the pool with a smile on my face (except when I can't find Isaiah!) because I really get to watch and enjoy my kids' personalities.  They are awesome...if I do say so myself :o)

Today I was watching Isaiah be who he is... my crazy, rough, fearless and semi-clueless (handsome) boy.  Man, do I love that kid.  Any time I turned away, he was wandering into the deep end.  I tried to tell him he doesn't know how to swim without his noodle thing, but he didn't agree.  I finally confined him to the very shallow area and told him to practice without the noodle.

And so he did...  and although the water was only about 2 feet deep, he kept going under.  (scary part:  that didn't seem to phase him either)  I finally got down to eye level and said in my motherly tone,  "If you start to go under... STAND UP!"  doesn't sound overly profound, but you know how me & God work....

In the post that I didn't publish yesterday, I had written something to the effect of "I'm trying to keep my head above water and my daughter's name above the snow"  The feelings behind these words are so heavy because I feel like I'm sinking some times (and it won't stop snowing around here!!)  So, I should probably take my own, very obvious advice and when I start to go under... STAND!

Romans 5:1-2

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.

*following verses on left side of main blog page*

Ephesians 6:14

Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place

1 Corinthians 16:13

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.

"I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned. 

In awe of the One Who gave it all...

I'll stand, my soul Lord, to You surrendered.

All I am is Yours."

Today I'm standing firm in the love, mercy and grace of Jesus and thanking Him with my whole heart for having the chance to know Rachel. 

Even if it means that sometimes I feel like I'm drowning.

In His Hands, Pain and All

I'm sure by now, if you've been following Rachel's story, you are well aware that I'm not one to hold in my feelings. With all the things I've shared, you probably think that you know the most of my struggles... and you do... mostly.  I made a commitment when I started this to be real. Well, today I have found myself very heavy and alone with all the disappointments that I haven't shared.

I have had a very emotional week, but what I realized is that there are reasons for it that make sense.  I have had some really hard stuff happen - in addition to losing my daughter - that I deal with alone.

So, I had written this really long post earlier today through tears sharing my specific frustrations... Things that have happened in the past 3 months (and more) that I haven't shared because I was either trying to avoid character assassination or trying to take my own thoughts captive.....Family not showing up for/wanting to come to Rachel's service, people making her life and death all about them or kicking me when I was down, the neonatologists failure to follow my birth plan, details that didn't come together, and the most recent one... my new counselor betraying my trust...  I guess to be honest, it did feel really good to write the details down.  I had momentary satisfaction thinking about the weight that would be lifted if I just let it all out.  How good it would feel for people to know what I've been dealing with behind the scenes...  and maybe someday I will share things as I feel led, but the most amazing thing happened tonight.

The friend I mentioned who was being induced the other night, didn't go into labor until days later and tonight I was blessed to spend 4 hours with her at the hospital.  I left here in the worst mood cause I had just finished writing the other post and I wasn't even sure I wanted to go... but I felt like I was supposed to and so I drove to the store and bought more flowers and went over.  I am continually amazed at God in my life.  I held that little baby for probably half the time I was there.  I didn't have any sadness at all.  I never would have imagined it.  The real blessing comes from the fact that I have friends who I can be myself with.  We cried over Rachel together and rejoiced over her new baby together... What I planned to be a quick in and out, kept me there till after 10pm and left me with a smile; on my face and in my heart.  I mentioned to her when I first held him that I was surprised that it didn't bother me at all to hold a one day old baby. (new baby smell and cute tiny noises included!)  Her response was "that's cause you have so much love to give"...  The truth is that I only have that love because I receive it from God. 

I was showing her pictures on my camera from Rachel's grave.  The nurse came in and my friend mentioned to her that I lost my baby on December 3 and told her she had anencephaly.  The nurse said "you're Baby Rachel's Mother?"  Oh yeah, big smile...  yep, that's me... Rachel's Mama.  I love it!  She told me she had read about us in the paper.  The next nurse came in and said "I had your daughter in my Awana class (bible class for kids) and I recognized her name cause I've been reading your blog" 

So there I was, Rachel's hand & foot print in a frame on the bed (I take it everywhere), a brand new blessing from God in my arms, and 2 different people I had never met telling me they knew my daughter(s) :o)  Rachel has touched so many people.

And so I drove home, thinking about the post I started earlier...  Do the things I wrote about hurt? yep.  Do I feel alone with them? yes, I am.  Are they worth being upset over... yes, actually they are.  But in the BIG picture, are they worth my time and energy?  No.  The truth is that no matter what I say or write, some people will never change and nothing will change what's already happened.  The real problem is not that I have these hurts from other people, it's that in the midst of them, I'm starting to doubt that God has it all under control.  I start to question if He's really there, why does He let these things happen?  That is the real weight that is heavy on my heart.  The details haven't changed.  Minus the thing with the counselor last week, everything that still feels like an open wound, happened a couple of months ago.  Nothing has changed except my thoughts on God and His character.

Tonight, I've decided to take my thoughts (& words) captive again... my main concern has always been and will continue to be that my daughter is honored and my God glorified.  I refuse to let anyone or anything deter me from that focus. I know with all that Rachel's story does for God's kingdom that I am bound to come up against spiritual warfare.  To be honest, I don't feel nearly strong enough to fight it.  I am getting weary with the continuous setbacks and pain. 

I have been working on a song on my guitar that a follower of my blog sent me called "Your Hands."  On the way home from music lessons today, I was in tears again and as I sang this song, I questioned God... "why doesn't it feel like you're holding my heart right now?"   I got home and checked my email, only to find one from one of my Rachel-given friends and her words changed my tears from ones of sadness to ones of gratitude and humbleness.  She wrote:

"I still go to bed praying for you every night. I find it so interesting (wish I had a more accurate word) that I have good friends in my life, but someone I have never even met (YOU) has helped me to have hope and encouraged me during the most difficult time of my life. I am just one of the MANY ways that God has used Rachel's story to touch people's lives. On the top of your blog, it says, "Our hope is that she will leave behind more than a few short memories, but that she will leave a legacy of what it means to hope in Jesus". Boy, have I learned what it means to hope in Jesus from you and from Rachel's story. I know I am not the only one who can say this. Your strength, trust and hope in Jesus AMAZES me, touches me, teaches me and encourages me. The fact that a woman who is going through ALL that you have been through in the past 3 months has the time or even cares to write to someone they have never met just blows me away. Thank you does not say enough, but THANK YOU. Thank you for allowing God to use you for His purpose and thank you for doing it so openly and honestly."

And it dawned on me... that hasn't happened from pretending like I'm fine all the time.  Actually this woman is one of the hundreds of women who has written to me and said that they really appreciate that I'm not afraid to share my struggles.... and so, I wonder...  is my heart out of His hands, or is it really just that He's still using it...pain and all?

Phil 4:8

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

Romans 8:28

God works all things together for the good of those who love Him

Leave a Message

I keep forgetting to blog this, but when I showed up last Friday to visit Rachel, I found a present behind her.  (amongst some other gifts that have been left)

It's a journal and pens that my mom left.  It's in a plastic bag in a basket.  The note says feel free to leave your thoughts & prayers.  If you visit, we would love to know it... The bag also has some candy in it...that's not for you, so don't take (sorry) Nana left it for the kids...and boy were they happy!  Especially Sam cause he's not allergic to what she left.  He is getting old enough to know that the other kids get to have lots of stuff he can't and it's getting hard. (for all parties involved...although I don't mind eating the chocolate he can't :o) )  Thanks mom for making sure I didn't have to deal with any tantrums at the cemetery :o) and for visiting our precious daughter.  There's a reason she's named after you.

Think Rachel

Yesterday morning Sam came and got in bed with me.  He pointed at my chest above my heart and said "A-chul"  I smiled.... how does he know that's where I keep her now?  I guess what he knows of her is that she was inside me.  I doubt he remembers meeting her, but who knows.  He points at her pictures on the wall and says her name too...and he also points at my necklace and says "A-chul's hand". 

Today someone introduced herself to me and asked "You're Rachel, right?" - I heard myself respond without a pause "Rachel is my daughter, I'm Stacy."  Doesn't sound like much, but for some reason I felt good after that short interaction.  Hearing her name...claiming her as my daughter...not sure which I love more, but both make me proud. 

I can only hope that any time someone looks at me, my home, my heart... they think "Rachel" :o)

"I thought of you with love today but that is nothing new, I thought about you yesterday and days before that too. I think of you in silence I often speak your name, all I have are memories and your picture in a frame. Your memory is my keepsake with which I'll never part God has you in His keeping I have you in my heart."

Blessed by His Comfort

The past two days have been hard.  I cried more yesterday alone than I had all week.  Today I was in a bad mood most of the day.  I mentioned to my sister that I didn't know what was going on with me... she said "you just lost a baby 3 months ago, I'm pretty sure those things are part of grieving."

I hate grief.  I hate having a broken heart. I hate that feeling like this makes sense.  I hate my new normal.

We went to Rachel's grave to shovel tonight.  Of course by the time we got there it was dark... we cleaned off her spot anyway.  I cried a lot... I told her about her stone and how it's coming this spring.  sigh.  I hate this.  I keep waiting for that "thing" that is going to make me feel better.  Is it her stone, her playground, the things we do in her memory, another baby??  None of them will ever remove the pain of the loss of my daughter.  I'm foolish to think it will...I don't really believe it, but I have moments where I think into the future and try to imagine a day when my heart doesn't hurt so bad.  I keep asking people who have lost babies "does it ever stop hurting?"  Most will say it hurts less - but nobody has said it stops hurting all together.  Can I take this for the rest of my life??

Tonight we listened to parts of a sermon by John MacArthur on mourning...  his words are truth and yet they sting because I know them too well.  He said how long does it hurt?  "More for some and less for others"  From day to day, I don't know which category I fall in... it's a roller coaster.

Mother Teresa once said "You never know Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have"

I think this is where the verse in Matthew 5:4 takes on a deeper meaning for me

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted 

I've always been familiar with this verse, but tonight I heard it with different ears.  All day I have been frustrated that I don't feel 100% better yet.  I am tired of being a mourning mother.  I am not looking forward to always being a mother who lost a baby.  I guess this reality is just hitting me.  Maybe the fact that 3 months feels like so long and just yesterday at the same time is accentuating that this isn't going away any time soon.  I don't even want it to really... I don't know.  I hate it when I try to explain something with words and fail. 

All I know is that in my mourning, I have been comforted. 

By God.

Humans let me down almost daily.  I have heard some of the craziest attempts at making me feel better...people are quick to throw out a pat answer for "why" God allowed this. (as if they know!) They tell me what a blessing it is...they tell me why it's good. (obviously, they haven't lost a baby)  Someone said to me last week "well at least it wasn't one of your other children". (What do I say to that?)  While I was at the hospital crying over the fact that my milk came in and I had no baby to nurse, I was told "she doesn't need your milk now"  I have heard that it was a "small price to pay for all the people she's helped"...  (small price for who?)  One "nice" comment after another has left me almost afraid to talk to people.  Mostly because I don't want to be upset with them.  Not just cause their words hurt me (although they do deeply) but because I don't like being upset with people.  I have enough to deal with emotionally and it doesn't feel good to be mad.

And the amount of "brain jokes" I hear is disgusting... people not paying attention or thinking twice about their words... it drives me nuts.  I had someone AT the hospital the day after Rachel died, with her kid saying how her daughter had "big brains" (she could just call her smart) I had someone 2 days ago tell me she felt like a "brain doner" (she could just call herself dumb)  I have heard everything from "use your brains" to  "my brain is mush" and I KNOW that these people don't mean to be hurtful - they just aren't thinking about their words...or my loss... but when your baby dies because part of her brain and skull was missing, you don't want to hear stuff like this.  It's hard on my heart...and the Mama Bear in me wants to protect my girl.

Anyway, I digress... my point is that the comfort I receive from God never hurts.  It is never off the mark.  It is never unthoughtful. He is never so focused on making a point that he isn't gentle with me.  He is always full of mercy and He is always there for me.

I have been comforted by so many people...and some have comforted me in a way that I knew was straight from God... I have been blessed by these people.  Because it was from God.  The people who have attempted to comfort me in their own understanding have fallen short - and I am guilty of doing this to people in the past as well - but the only One Who can truly hold my heart is my Lord.  Sometimes He uses His people and sometimes, He holds my heart while I try to endure people.
(in case you just wondered if I'm talking about you, don't worry, you would know - unfortunately, I have never been classified as a people pleaser) :o)

The richness of my relationship with the Lord as a result...the deepness, the intimacy I have with Him, the trust I have developed in Him, the peace He gives me in the midst of heartache.... that is what makes me "blessed".

I wouldn't know Him like I do if I wasn't "mourning"
If He wasn't all I have, I wouldn't know He was all I need.

I still miss my girl more than my heart can bear
But with His comfort, He wraps my broken heart up
And carries it along

Details

I just came on to check comments and I read my post from earlier...I could not believe that the song I put on (after) I posted, goes perfectly with it!  At one point, I even say "I can't help but wonder who she'd be today"... I had put In My Daughter's Eyes on first and then saw Who You'd be Today on google and randomly added it... details... He is in them.

I wonder if Kenny wrote that song after leaving a cemetery....

Today I'm Grieving

She would be 12 weeks old today...

I don't know what the yellow jacket was all about, but we're having another big storm today.  We went to visit Rachel early and it's a good thing we did because the roads were already slippery.  I cleared off her marker and made sure her name was visible....and knelt down to cry.  I still can't believe it's real sometimes. 

Today because 12 weeks seems like a significant time, I seem to be grieving moments that I'm missing with her.  I sat there looking at her fake flowers and her little name plate and wondered if she would be smiling yet... I wondered if she would look good in red like the others did... I wondered if she'd be sleeping through the night yet.  I thought about how at 12 weeks, I usually start counting by the month... 3 months.  I thought about how at this point, things start to get easier... they are usually a lot bigger and you know more of who they are and what they like.

I would give anything to know what Rachel would like right now.  I yearn to hold her, to look at her, to touch her little hands, to hear her cry... I never got to hear her cry.  I ache to know her personality, to see her temper, to watch her determination as she learned to do new things. 

Today I'm grieving milestones.

I looked around the cemetery - it was snowing like crazy, wet snow, and wondered why the yellow jacket the other day?... I felt negative as I thought "it's kinda like my pregnancy test with Rachel... an exciting moment of hope that doesn't turn out like I desired"

Today I'm grieving my disappointments.

I was at the hospital last night until after midnight (in case you're wondering about my late post, mom)  a friend of mine was being induced to have her baby and wanted me there with her.  I was honored to accept the invitation and then wondered if I had lost my mind... did I really think I could handle watching someone give birth to a healthy baby??  I picked her up some daisies (had to bring my girl too) and chocolates and headed over.  She didn't have him last night, and still hasn't today, so tonight I'm going back again... I'm praying for God's providence in timing and trusting that if I'm supposed to be there for his birth I will make it in time and if it will be too much for me, I won't...   Last night I listened to her little boy jump around on the monitor and his little heart beat and all I could think about was listening to Rachel dance around in my womb and her amazing little heart and how the sound of it lit up my face.

Today I'm grieving our limited time together.

I guess I knew that as time went on there would be many things that will come up that make me wonder who she'd be today.  I knew she would be on my mind for the rest of my life.  But I can't help by cry over the fact that my heart breaks at every thought...every milestone missed...every disappointment accentuated... every moment without her. 

Today I'm grieving "yellow jackets"....

Good Gifts

Have you ever heard yourself think (does that make sense?) "Is there really a God?"  Well, I do...sometimes if I think too hard, I start to wonder "what if we're all crazy and there is no heaven?" 

I was talking to my friend Melissa the other day about how most Dr's view "religion" as a good "coping mechanism".  I remember when I lost our other baby, the first thing the midwife said to me is "I see you're wearing a cross...do you have a church that you can call for support?"  I sobbed as I nodded, knowing that no matter how great my support system was, they could never remove my pain.  The same type of conversation happened when the Dr. told us about Rachel having anencephaly.  The diagnosis was followed by two things...the offer for a termination and the question of who we had for support.  When we told her God, she nodded at us like we were nuts.  "well at least they have a coping mechanism" was all over her face.

I found myself thinking last night... what if we are nuts...what if God really is just an imaginary coping mechanism and there really is no life after death.  what if all these amazing things that happen to me really are just 'coincidences'? 

Well, that kind of thinking doesn't last long because it's crazy talk.  If I look at history alone, there is more proof that He is real than not.  If I look at MY history alone there is more proof that He's real than not... and if I combined the two and don't believe that He is real... well that is what would make me nuts.

I came to the conclusion that I'd rather have doctors and some family and friends think I'm nuts (or at least, that God is my 'coping mechanism') than actually be nuts... so I told Him what was really on my heart.  It went something like this...

"I trust that You are real, I trust that You know what's best for me, I trust I will get pregnant when You see it best and with what you see best, I believe You have my best interest in mind...  but Please please please please give me a healthy baby girl soon" 

I figure since He already knows what I'm thinking, what does it hurt to tell Him?  I struggle sometimes with praying in Thanksgiving (meaning, as if it's already happened) because, especially when we pray with the kids, I worry that if things don't go as prayed for, that it somehow means that God isn't listening or doesn't care...

In my quiet time this morning (yes, that actually happens sometimes... the boys were happily playing with cars)  The first verse they mentioned was Matthew 7:9-11 which talks about how when our children ask for something, we try to give it to them.  And then compares that to how if we as humans know how to give good gifts to our children, then how much more does God give good gifts to those who ask? The next one is from Luke 11:11-13 and says "ask and it will be given to you"

I'm thinking... excellent, this is confirmation that I did the right thing telling God my preferences last night and gave me hope that He will do what I want...

This is where reading things through is important... it goes on to ask what the definition of a "good gift" is...in our limited understanding and perspective of the big picture, are we capable of knowing what's best?  When our children want candy before dinner, do we say no cause we don't want them to be happy or because it's best for them?  We know that their dinner is going to be important in keeping them healthy, helping them sleep and grow, and we know it's coming soon... all they can see is the candy.  If they throw a fit about it, we may just tell them they can't have any candy the next day either - because being preoccupied with what they want and not taking my "no" as the final word isn't acceptable...because it's not good for them to be discontent and demanding. 

So, the question is... With this definition of a "good gift",
how should I pray?
I was confused.  It says "ask and it will be given" -
so shouldn't I just ask for it?
What is "it"?
Well, here is the hard and beautiful part...
"It" is God's will, not mine.
What is God's will for my future (if any) children?  I have no idea, that is why I need to ask Him.  The only thing I know is that He wants me to trust Him with it.  I will find out what is best- cause eventually I will get pregnant (or not), it will be a boy or a girl, and it will be healthy or not.  In the meantime, I will ask Him for a healthy baby in His perfect timing and trust Him for the details, knowing they might not be the ones I would pick - and I'll pray that  He will help me to be content in whatever place I am in, at that exact moment... waiting on Him, trusting in Him and looking forward to His plan for my life, regardless of what may lie ahead. 
It's easy to trust Him with my heart, even in my disappointments, when I'm in the middle of them and it's my only choice.  But trusting Him with my heart for my future, which I seem to still stupidly think I have some control over, that's another story.  It's my true desire, but the problem is I'm human.

Save The Date!

I met with Joe from Learning Structures and Pastor Bernie this morning to survey the land at the church for Rachel's playground.  It looks like we'll be able to place the Ark closer to the building than we had thought...this is excellent news because we were thinking we'd need to clear a bunch of land and that isn't the case.  This means that we won't need to wait for the ground to settle and so we'll be able to build on the days I was hoping for and I can finally share them!

Mark it on your calendar!!  May 6 & 7

The 6th is what they call the "framing day" (we need higher skilled people this day...construction friends, come on down!)  The 7th is the "raising day" and we need all levels of people to help.  We will be providing food and childcare and need as many people as possible... so please plan on coming!  This might sound like a lot of work... but we're going to have a ton of fun too and I am more than thrilled that my little girl is at the heart of this.  I can't believe my vision is actually coming to be.  It's unreal.  If this is the first time you've heard about it, click on the playground link on the right.  Oh, and in case you're doubting that we can do this in 3 days (we'll be busy on the 5th getting stuff ready for the 6th) just come and see!! 

We're having an informational meeting on March 6th at 9:30 at Grace Community Church in Rochester (where her playground will be) to get people involved and explain how the community built playground works.  Come & join us, we need your help!

And let me just tell you why these dates are special to me...  May 7, 2008 is when we lost our 3rd baby to miscarriage and the 8th is Mother's Day.  Last year on Mother's day is when we announced to our families that we were expecting again.  I think it's going to be one of those days that is etched in my mind forever and possibly make my heart heavy for Rachel.  It probably would anyway, knowing that I am the mother of a beautiful baby girl who I can't hold...for now.

The ark represents to me that there is blessing in following God's call on your life, even when you don't understand it.  Noah built the ark, day in and day out, for years... and everyone thought he was nuts.  But when the floods came...  well, Noah didn't look nuts anymore.  Obedience brings blessing.  God called me to be a mother and I will be the best mother I can be and put my all into every child He gives me... even in death.  I am wholly dedicated to my children and their amazing Daddy.

So, on the 3 year anniversary of losing a baby and in memory of our precious daughter, our community will work together to raise an Ark in her name and for God's glory... and the next day, Mother's Day, I will watch my kids play on it...missing Rachel, I'm sure, but smiling because I had the chance to know her and humbled by the impact she has had in this world.

I wouldn't be surprised if God sends a rainbow that day, too.

I got back from the meeting and went to walk up my stairs, I looked down and there it was....

A dead yellow jacket!!  OK, I'd be excited over a dead yellow jacket normally, but the reason I jumped for joy at this one is because... it's only February and we still have a couple feet of snow... why is there a yellow jacket outside my door??  Cause we're gonna have an early spring!!  The bugs are moving around and the groundhog didn't see his shadow :o)  It's on it's way!

God's Promise

God didn't promise

days without pain,

laughter without sorrow,

sun without rain,

but He did promise

strength for the day,

comfort for the tears,

and light for the way

-Unknown

Today was one of those days when the reality of life

was hard on me...

The fact that my entire life can change in a moment scares me. 

I continue to choose to believe that God is in control and

He is with me.

I hope you know He's with you, too.

Happy to have a false sense of control

Matt & I had an amazing weekend...  we were actually gone all weekend, but since I tend to be what some might call paranoid, I didn't want anyone to know until we were back home with our kids.  I've never really understood those people who put on facebook how they'll be gone all week as if there are no crazy people in this world...  I guess I've seen too many scary movies...

First of all, I need to thank some people for making our weekend possible...

Our friend Donna from church usually likes to be anonymous, so I haven't really been able to share all the things she has done for us...but it has been a lot... not the least of which, visiting our girl every week!  Well, she offered to send us to a nice bed & breakfast for the weekend.  She bought a package that included a nice dinner and a couple's massage.  I'll admit, couple's massages are strange and slightly uncomfortable, but it was a fun experience.  We had no idea that the place we were staying at was actually a one room condo...

Thanks Donna!!  And because it wouldn't be possible to go alone without people willing to watch our beautiful children, thanks Kim, Meg & Mom for taking care of them... It is a blessing to be able to go away and not worry about them.  I hear they had a great time and that "Nana let them eat as much sugar as they wanted..." :o)  

 

We slept in both days and then had a good breakfast and great coffee...  It was so nice to do something by ourselves that didn't involve doctor's appt's or funeral planning, which is pretty much what all of our "dates" this last year were.  Rachel was still a huge part of our time, but with the focus being on how amazing her life was.  Oh, and this probably won't come as a surprise, but guess what the pictures on the wall in the room were.....  that's right, a tulip and a daisy.... is that unreal??  God is in the details.  That was the first time they had rented that room out, too. 

So, for part of Matt's present, I rented a snowmobile for a couple hours...  It was a guided tour, which I thought I'd like better, but about half way through I was wishing the people in front of us would get out of the way!  Fast was fun :o)  And they weren't going fast enough...  When we first started out, I told Matt "be careful" (you know, just had to get my instructions in...)  and about 3 minutes into it, I caught myself giggling...and a little while later, laughing... and a bit after that, yelling woohoo!  I felt young again :o)

I tried not to let my mind wander... it's a busy place in my head and I tried to stay aware of that and just enjoy being out there with Matt.  But of course, God spoke to me...and I gladly heard it.  It's funny how He uses things that we hear along the way to make points later.  A couple of weeks ago, our Pastor Willie was preaching and talked about a "tandem bike ride with God"... Let me start at the beginning...

When I was in rehab, I had a sledding accident on a mountain in Littleton.  I got a concussion and was really sick and since then, I've been afraid to sled... even at the country club.  As we were riding, I started wondering why I am afraid of sledding, but not afraid to snowmobile.  Then my thoughts wandered to motorcycles... I love riding bikes... I started thinking of all the crazy things I used to do...  why am I afraid to sled, but going 90 on a motorcycle with no helmet didn't phase me? (I mean, besides being on drugs!) And then a couple of things dawned on me...

1.When you've been hurt before, it's hard not to let that impact your future decisions... and not always a bad thing that it does. I've been hurt on a sled, so it makes sense that I'd be cautious about them.  I've never been hurt on a snowmobile so I have nothing in my memory that says watch out.

2.I don't have control over a sled.  When you're going down a hill on a sled, you have to just hold on and hope that it goes the right way.  On a bike or a snowmobile, you control where it goes and how fast it gets there.  And then something else dawned on me...

I'm on the back of the thing... I've never driven a bike, I've always been on the back.  I wasn't driving the snowmobile... So am I really in control??  I think I am cause I gave a quick "be careful" when we started out??  I've been on enough bikes in the wheely position to know that I don't have any control over what the driver does.  So why do I feel better?  That doesn't make any sense... unless of course I have a false sense of control.... hmmm...  now I'm getting it...

This is when the tandem ride with God came to mind.  I've tried many times to take the front seat in life.  I think I know the way, and want God to just get on my bike and ride my way.  But it doesn't work like that, thankfully.  I've also come to trust my Savior to also be my Lord... not just to save me from eternity in hell, but to guide me through the paths of life; trusting that He knows the best way to go.

In that short 2 hour ride, I smiled more times than I can count at the thought of my little girl.  She was the only reason we were even there... Donna wanted to bless us because of Rachel.  She was in every smile, every giggle.  Her memory brings me great joy.  In the beginning of this ride with her, I would have never picked this path... I'm glad that I only have a false sense of control because God certainly had a better journey mapped out.  One where beauty is almost indescribable and love truly undefiled.  One where all I needed to do was trust Him and lean into His turns.

I'm so glad that I have Matt to hold onto as we ride through life...through the wooded paths and over the mountain tops... I'm happy to be on the back of his ride as God maps out our path.  And I'm extremely grateful for the times, no matter how short or few, when we are able to pick up some speed and laugh like kids.  We're enjoying the ride...completely confident in the fact that God knows the way and that we're not in control. 

He's Home...

Apparently he's been listening too cause he just walked in with this bouquet :o)

White & Pink Tulips and Daisies...